The Five Times Jim Scared His Crew with Disney

Sulu Gets Down to Business

It was no secret that Hikaru Sulu was incredible at hand-to-hand combat, particularly if that hand-to-hand combat was fencing, and that slightly terrified Jim. After all, he'd seen him first hand, and never wanted to be at the other end of Sulu's sword. That's why it was instead Chekov in that spot.

The poor kid had all but groveled. He'd even pulled the old puss-in-boots eyes, which, combined with his fluffy, golden hair and his adorable accent, almost made Jim cave and let the poor adorable equivalent of a Russian puppy walk. But he also couldn't do what he needed without Chekov once again being the distraction.

"Keptin, please! Zis ees getting out of hand. I don't want to die!"

"Mr. Chekov, you're not going to die," Jim had replied flippantly.

"You don't know zat!"

"You won't. I promise."

"You promeese? Last time you promeesed, we ended up in Med Bay!" The kid's face had turned redder than the Communist flag, and Jim had been almost certain that a blood vessel was going to pop in his head.

Jim felt awful that Chekov had ended up in Med Bay not once but twice so Jim could feel the satisfaction of scaring the rest of the crew. Jim had decided that this time he would make it his mission to scare a member of the crew and make sure Chekov didn't end up hurt. And that's why he picked Sulu. The whole crew had a soft spot for Pavel Chekov, the Russian Boy Wonder, but Sulu was his best friend. If someone made fun of the kid's accent or his overly enthusiastic claims that everything was "Made in Russia" or even looked at him the wrong way, Sulu was ready to use them for fencing practice, telling them so in a calm and eerily creepy voice. It was a voice Jim never wanted to hear again.

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Chekov walked alongside his Captain toward one of the rec rooms. He loved his Captain. He really did. He'd sacrificed so much for his crew, and had saved Chekov on more than one occasion. He shuddered as he thought back to the time he had drank a little too much and had been kidnapped by a group of Orion women. Captain Kirk had come in like an avenging, blue eyed angel, and that was when Chekov had decided that he owed his life to the Captain.

As much as he loved his Captain, he had to admit that he was crazy...maybe more so than anyone would care to admit, and he was driving him nuts. Chekov was pretty sure he was close to being pushed into a mental breakdown. First, the Captain made him wear the red shirt, then had him take over a position that wasn't his job, then gave him a concussion, and then he'd blackmailed him into scaring the most terrifying person on the ship. The latter had been one of the worst, and he'd never felt so humiliated. He had sworn he'd never do anything for the Captain again, but here he was, going to be on the other end of the sword when the Captain decided to scare Sulu. He was internally sobbing and praying for a nice bottle of vodka.

The Captain paused outside of the rec room door. "This will be a great learning experience, Mr. Chekov. You'll get some nice training in hand-to-hand combat, and I'll get my revenge for the time Mr. Sulu stole my breakfast burrito. It's a win-win scenario."

Chekov glared at him. "Zat ees not what I would call eet."

He ruffled Chekov's fluffy curls and pushed him toward the door. "Just do it as we discussed and everything will be fine!"

He grinned brightly. Chekov shot him a look before glumly walking into the room. There was no way his was going to end well.

"My little baby, off to learn how to destroy people!" Jim proclaimed loudly as he watched Chekov disappear behind the door.
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Chekov had known it was going to happen. He had told the Captain, but the crazy man had not listened. One minute Sulu was showing him the proper way to hold his weapon and the next everything had gone downhill, and they were both back in Med Bay, Sulu hovering protectively and apologizing to Chekov, and Dr. McCoy slapping the back of the Captain's and demanding an explanation.

"Well, you see Bones, I had a brilliant idea..."

"Jim, there's no such thing as you having a brilliant idea." He touched around the Captain's blackened eye. He began to protest. "Shut up you damn infant! You got what you deserved."

"But I haven't even told you what happened."

"It doesn't matter. There's no doubt you deserved it." Jim shot him a look.

"It started two months ago. We stopped at that one star base for shore leave and I had bought the most glorious breakfast burrito. I loved that burrito and couldn't wait to enjoy its deliciousness." Dr. McCoy rolled his eyes, his arms crossed. "Anyway, we got that distress signal and I had to put the burrito in the fridge for later. After we were done with the mission—"

"Just cut to the end. I don't need the whole story."

"Mr. Sulu stole my burrito, Bones! He stole it! I never even had the chance to savor one taste of it. So I plotted my revenge, and with Mr. Chekov's help, today was the day I achieved it!" Sulu glared at the Jim from his spot next to Chekov.

"I wouldn't have stolen your burrito if you hadn't doubted my flying abilities, Captain," he shot back.

"Good God, it's like raising a bunch of infants." Bones ran a hand over his face, before looking at Jim expectantly.

"As I was saying, I achieved my revenge today. I had Chekov ask Sulu for some fencing lessons. I didn't even do anything that bad. All I did was dress up as a Romulan, and when Sulu said 'Let's get down to business,' I popped out of the closet next to him and said 'to defeat the Huns.' It's not my fault he shrieked like a little girl."

"I did not shriek like a little girl."

"You definitely did."

"Did not."

"Anyway, as he shrieked, which by the way, was almost as funny as yours, Bones—" The doctor slapped him on the back of the head again. "...he shoved Chekov behind him, who happened to hit his head very hard on the wall, and then proceeded to punch me in the face, hence my black eye. Do you think it makes me look daring and bold? I was upset at first about the black eye, but then I remembered the ladies kind of dig that sort of thing." He grinned at Bones, who rolled his eyes once more.

"You're unbelievable," he muttered. Jim's devilish grin, as impossible as Chekov thought it could be, grew bigger.

"I regret nothing," he stated smugly.

"That's because you're a moron.

Sulu turned to Chekov again. "I really am sorry, Pavel. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Eet's not your fault. I agreed to help ze Keptin."

"No doubt he forced you into it."

"Did not!" Jim protested.

"Did so! Pavel's too pure to commit a crime like this on his own free will."

"It was not a crime! It was revenge!"

"Sure it was!"

"It definitely was!"

As the arguing continued, Chekov sat and watched as the good doctor hit his head against the wall. If not for the concussion he already had, he would have joined him. He couldn't have been more thankful when Bones pulled out hypospray that knocked them both out. The man, Chekov decided, was a saint, and deserved all of the best things in the world. He would make sure to slip the doctor some nice Russian vodka the next time he went back home.