Words of Oblivion

XVIII

It was not until he said the words that I realized I had lost him for good. 

"I'm dating someone else now..."

My chest contracted at the sound of the words being replayed in my head. I thanked God I was not in front of him. Otherwise I think the empty look on his eyes and the awkwardness in the air would have made of it all 100 times worse. 

I took a deep breath and noticed how my throat also contracted. 

Whoa... I never thought this moment would come. We were on and off so many times and always crawled back to each other somehow. But now it was different, it was definite. He was pushing me away and giving and end to what we had. 

I closed my eyes, 

Alright, let's pretend it doesn't hurt as much as it is hurting. 

"Oh I see, well haha I just meant it as friends. I promise."

Lie.

"Of course, and I would love to accept as friends as well. But I really doubt she'll agree."

Of course she wouldn't, an ex is never good news.

"You're right. Let's just forget it lol"

"I'm sorry."

He is not.

"That's okay, I'll ask someone else. :)"

Smileys always make it a little less awkward right?

I took a deep breath, I knew it was time to delete his number, to finally move on and leave this chapter far behind me, locked down where nobody can reach it. It was for the best. My relationship with Josh was... it is hard to describe. 

I tried to push back the tears and tell myself I was going to be okay, that after all this time he didn't have a hold on me as he did before. But I was wrong. There was still this thorn stuck n my heart, about to come out, but stuck by the tip, still causing pain. 

I always thought I would be the first one to rub on his face a new lover. That I would be the one telling him, he would find someone better. But roles were reversed and I felt so defeated, so stupid for holding onto hope for so long. 

I cried myself to sleep that night, until the next morning, when I felt ten times better. I woke up determined to put this and him behind me once and for all. And so I did. I started to focus on myself. I had a decent job, was starting out college and I had a bright future ahead of me. And even though I tried to be as busy as possible his memories still haunted me, so in order to make them go away I started to run. Running became my medicine, I couldn't allow him to stick in the back of my head for even a single second, I needed a way out and that's the only way I could make it all disappear. 

It worked. Months went by, I got promoted in my job and even though I had to basically break my back to keep up with my studies as well, they were going great too. I started to set goals for myself, I started to believe in me one more time. I wanted perfection and so I demanded it to myself in everything I did and everyone around me, being workmates or classmates, family, friends... I wanted to be the best and achieve as much as I could. I started living by own personal motto: Work hard, dream big.