Why do we hide ourselves away? Why do we lie and say that we're fine, when everyone, including the person you're lying to, knows that you're obviously anything but 'okay'.
I'm fine.
I swear, I don't lie.
Of course I'm fine.
I'm good.
I'm really happy.
The lies, the pain, the regret, the guilt. But do you trust anyone enough to tell them that you're hurting and in pain? No, because we're afraid. Why? Why are we afraid? Are we scared of the out-come? Are we painting pictures inside our brains, ones that hold the worst possible results? The judging, the ridicule, the teasing, the pain. We can't escape it. It haunts us. It reminds us of what could happen if you ever decided to open up and let someone see our scars, mental and physical. Why do we plaster on a fake smile, hoping to decieve everyone around us into believing that we are, in fact, okay.
Okay.
Do we even know the meaning of the word? When was the last time when you could, in complete sincerity, say that you were 'okay'? When was the last time when we did not have to paint a fake smile on our lips, put light in our dull eyes, and force out laughter that wasn't dry and meaningless?
Why do we close ourselves off to people who only want to heal our scars and fix our broken hearts? Because we're afraid. Afraid of being hurt and lied to again, and again, and again. We torture ourselves, mentally and physically. We point out our flaws, regardless of size. We create more flaws with glass, with knives, with sizzors, with razors, with anything that can try to block out the hurt in our minds. We choose physical pain instead of mental.
Why do we refuse to answer the question 'why'? We shrug our shoulders, pretending not to know, or we simply ignore them. But no matter how much we don't want to, we know. Oh, we know. The answer haunts us, keeps us up at night, turns our eyes wet with tears.
Worthless.
That's the word that haunts us, right? The word that, if even mentioned, makes us flinch. We force ourselves to believe that we are, in fact, worthless. But we do more than label ourselves with the word. Oh, so much more. We allow it to dominate us, destroying our confidence and all feelings of self-worth. It controls us, and eventually, it destroys us.
I've just answered some questions, but I have a few for you.
Why do we let ourselves feel this way, when we know we're wrong?
Why do we feel this way?
What can we do to stop feeling this way?
I doubt I'll post this. It's too personal. Too painful. Too real.
But if I do, and someone besides me reads this, could you help me understand why?
