Warning! Do Not Read In Bed

Passage Five

PASSAGE FIVE

I had attempted to use my nix/animus aura to instigate a double cross amongst the pirates; involving silk, spices and opium. My man's friend shot The Fiend's man in the skull from behind, The Fiend's pistol ineffectually falling to the ground. My jiggery-pokery had been successful. Thus I able to ensure the last dodo died.

The Fiend was in a rage. He had never been so close. Unfortunately his informant has got even closer to me. Naively feeding him with more information, it would not be long before The Fiend caught up with me again.

I skedaddled quickly into the newly invented spinning wheel. A spindle set in a frame and turned by a belt passing over a wheel. The spinning wheel was superseded by James Hargreaves' spinning jenny. This was a new type of spirit transfer. On his small holding Hargreaves used parts from the old spinning wheel thus destroying it to build his new invention. It was one of my followers who influenced his daughter into high enough spirits to chase their farm animals and then to accidentally run into it and knock it over. I transferred to the spinning jenny resulting in The Fiend, as wild as a goose chasing an adulterous gander, trying to find me in a spinning wheel.

Where was I up too? Oh yes! There have been many periods when the numbers of inventions have caused quite a scare to The Fiend and his followers. Consequently they increase their efforts to obliterate me and my spirit supporters. During a several hundred year period in history the Greeks made great advancements in: astronomy, geography, hydraulics, medicine, chemistry; also with inventions of: siphons, valves, springs, cams and pulleys. What corresponded with this great period of development? After the British had their success of the industrial revolution culminating at the end of the nineteenth century. What happened? Two great wars engulfed the world similarly to Alexandra the Great fighting to develop his empire. The Fiend and his followers have used war to control the equilibrium between spirit occupancy of new objects and the destruction of occupied objects in their favour for a long time and will continue to do so; if I don't do something about it. They then try to choose which objects will become established entities with no consideration of the occupying animus. Minor changes are controlled by such occurrences as volcanoes, hurricanes, and earthquakes.

To combat the Fiend's growing destructive influence I needed a group of people with the potential to influence the world, a group of people who were liked, who would popularize new products. The best fun I have ever had was enjoying the craic in a bar in Western Europe. How I loved those people. They have such special qualities. Hence I will manipulate the producer of the film visualising my life story to employ a very special narrator because he has such a charismatic Irish accent reflecting my charming personality.

I had chosen them to be my representatives confident they would achieve the objectives set; my challenge to ensure there was an Irish bar on every street corner, in every town, in every city throughout the world. How could the Fiend combat such an ingenious plan?

My idea was the Irish where to use their charm and alcohol drinking abilities to further my cause. The Fiend had a more cunning plan; he flattered me by using one of my tactics, obviously not letting his followers know, and introduced a new product in 1759. Alas after drinking copious quantities of this delicious new Guinness, Irish minds turn to gambling and they let me down, however, they did it in such a charming way such is my affection for these people I used my influencing abilities to allow them to win an occasional bet with the most ridiculous odds. Remember Liverpool Football Club winning the European Cup after being behind 3-0 at half time, the Buffalo Bills winning the 1993 NFL game overcoming a 32 point deficit, Devon Loch falling for no apparent reason when in an unassailable leading position subsequently losing the 1956 Grand National. The Fiend chose the Chinese to influence the world. You know how they have restaurants seemingly in every main street, in every town, in every country, and such a supply of cheap labour. I'll have to keep my eye on that tactic. Now you will understand it was not a criminal betting syndicate that manipulated sporting events but it was me rewarding the Irish for giving me so much fun. Oh a minor detail, to combat the Fiend's cunning plan with the development of Guinness I introduced communism to supress the influence of the Chinese. Imagine how they would have dominated the world if they had been capitalists.

Quick come with me. The Fiend is just behind us. I desperately need to influence that teenage Chinese female geek walking along the street to destroy their latest mobile. The Fiend's operatives are in her mobile. I am in her backpack. My supporter's has just caused the sink hole under the pavement to open under her next step. Some would say she hilariously falls down this hole that seemingly opens randomly in the street while she is inattentively texting on her mobile. The passing taxi driver has been manipulated to call the fire brigade to rescue her. More of my supporters are in their ladders. The Chinese girl is trapped at the bottom of the sink hole. The foot of the ladder crushes her mobile; transfer engineered of The Fiend's operatives to fireman's ladder. I am now as safe as the Chinese girl who has been saved by the fireman still languishing in her back pack.

Phew that was close. If I breathed I'd be breathless. Did you feel The Fiend's omnipresence in all the objects around you? Scary isn't it? However, I must achieve my objective.

Occasionally followers of The Fiend want to negotiate a truce, a period of peace. First we met clandestinely, and then more openly. We cannot trust them. We learnt quickly whatever they do is to maintain their own position of power for as long as possible. Recently they tried to con me into going to a better place. Offered me my own patch without interference, baiting my ego, I admit was tempted. They wanted me to be in control of the moon. The spirits that went are languishing in: the stars and stripes, used space capsules, derelict space buggies, scientific instruments; and the golf clubs Neil Armstrong took with him to achieve the longest golf drive ever, with the aid of reduced gravity of course. I persuaded one of my loyal supporters into going in my place. He was manipulated into the ball, he sacrificed himself for me, now he is still hurling through space. What price loyalty?

The spirits still there are waiting for something to happen. This is why I did not go, could not endure the inactivity. The establishment must be worried they recently tried to influence President Obama to start up the moon excursions again, seemingly a failed plan by The Fiend to get their agents in place for when they need to instigate their survival strategy when I achieve my objective.

End of passage five.

NOTES FROM PETE

Hi. Thanks to Kirtikasaral, Stepsimp, Lou Cole and Darkusbooks for voting.

Further assistance is required to establish who would be the best person to perform the Narrator's role in the video film of this short story. It would obviously have to be a guy with an Irish accent; someone who could evoke the exuberance, guile, and rebellious nature of The Narrator. I have several well-known guys in mind. Check them out on their websites: Dara O'Briain, Ed Byrne, Tommy Tiernan, and Daniel Radcliffe.

Who do you think would be the best Narrator?

Perhaps we could have a little fun and run an election to establish which guy wins. If you want to introduce your own runner feel free as long as we can find them on the internet. Please also see my polls on twitter and my Tumblr blog: spoof-the-aloof.

It would also be brilliant if you voted by clicking on the star and added 'Warning' to your library.

I will be posting again in five days' time.

Cheers

Pete