Random Stuff

Funny things

An apple a day can keep the doctor away, if well aimed.

Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.*pats air and says"You're okay."*

For the first part of our lives, our parents teach us how to walk and talk. For the rest, they tell us to sit down and shut up.

Never go to a doctor's office where the lobby plants have died.

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

If you have noticed this notice, you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

Who's cruel idea was it to have the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?!

If the sky's the limit, then what's space? Over the limit?!

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable since its made from the cocoa bean and all beans are vegetables?

I don't get Rocks, Paper Scissors. I mean, I get how rock beats scissors and scissors beats paper, but how does paper beat rock? Does it somehow wrap around a rock, leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Never mind scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college rule notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they try to take notes? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anything- a rock could smash that stuff in seconds. That's why when I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when some one claims to have beaten me with their paper, I will punch them in the face with my ready-made fist and say,"Oh, sorry! I thought paper would protect you!"

When someone annoys you, it takes 43 muscles to frown, and only 4 to lift your arm and smack them upside the head!

Warning: Tresspassers will be shot. survivors will be shot again.

A wise man once said, "I don't know, ask a woman."

What doesn't kill me had better run pretty darn fast!

You're a great friend, but if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

I didn't hit you! I just high-fived your face!

Be the type of woman that when you feet touch the floor when you get out of bed, the devil thinks, "Oh crud! She's up!"

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. (I tried it and ended up hitting my face on the glass! It didn't hurt that much though...)