I am a symbol

Even though I cannot say a single word back, I wish my son knew how much I loved him..

I sat by the hospital bed of my mother, unsure of what to say. The rich antiseptic smell hung in my nostrils like a dead animal. The intense white of the room was slightly damped by the multitude of vibrant flowers around my mother’s bed.  I had a million different scenarios running through my head but they never ended happily. I had no idea what was wrong with my dear mother and it scared me to death. I took a sip of the boiling coffee within my hands, it scolding my mouth in the process. I was supposed to be in a happy place with my wife to be, talking about our plans for the future, yet I still wanted an explanation from my mother.

I sat by her bedside for a little over 2 days before she awoke, startled by my presence. I am never harsh with my mother, as we have always been close, but I snapped at her saying “Tell me the truth. I want answers”.

Mother sighed. I think she knew this day would come, but always dreaded its arrival. She cleared her throat before croaking out “Ok”. She took several deep breaths as if preparing herself before she spoke again. “Matthew, dear, I have a story to tell you. You will not interrupt and will sit on my bed and I will hold you as if you are still seven. This will break your heart and I am gravely sorry for that but you must know”, I cautiously walked towards mother, as if testing some boundaries between us after I snapped. She just patted the bed and smiled ever so slightly. It was only as I got closer did I realise the pallor of her skin. Its usual bright rosy colouring had disappeared and she looked as if she was death herself.  I swiftly sat onto the edge of the bed, not wanting to hurt mother. She promptly grabbed my wrist pulling me into her lap. I dwarfed her, myself being over six foot, I was afraid of hurting her. She was after all in a hospital bed. 

“It is a long story Matthew dear, and it may take a while but I assume you want to know everything”. I nodded my head once, internally preparing myself for the words to come. I have never been good with confrontations and being kept in the shadows, it all made me uneasy and nervous.

“I was 14 when I was diagnosed Matthew. Can you imagine! I had my whole life ahead of me and it all came tumbling down in a heartbeat. I had just begun high school, had a great group of friends, a boyfriend, good grades and popularity when the doctors told me I had cancer. It changed my whole world. I lost my reputation, I was dumped, my grades dropped immensely and I was bullied. I never lived in a rich household Matthew, my childhood was quite different to yours. We just barely got by before I was diagnosed then all the treatment costs came and knocked us back. You never met any of my family, they had all passed before you were old enough to recall anything. They were all wonderful, hardworking and kind souls. I had two brothers, both older, I loved them dearly, almost as much as I love you. They worked so hard to make sure I could have treatment that would help to keep me alive. They worked every day, even dropping out of school to get jobs to make sure I might survive another week or even another day.”

I saw the tears welling up in mothers eyes as she spoke so fondly of her two older brothers and family. They gave up everything to make sure she could continue to live. They had no idea whether it would be a day, a month, a year or more. They gave up their chances at an education and well-paying jobs for their sister. I can tell how much they adored her even without ever meeting them. I sense the pride in my mother as she speaks of them. It was amazing how strong she was, she never once cried about them and I never saw her complain about anything. I was snapped out of my thoughts when mother continued to talk.

“Matthew, you still with me?”

“Yes mother. Why did you never tell me? Any of this?”

“I’m getting to that dear. My cancer was never going to be fully cured, but everything seemed to be working magically and I started getting better. When I returned to school, around a year later, I thought everything would return to normal. The thing is Matthew, once you change, it is ten times harder to return back. I had everything in my old life, before I was diagnosed, I had everything so the minute I returned to school, I thought everything would go back to normal. That was when I met your Pa. He was the new kid and I was the creepy cancer patient. He was very shy and reluctant to talk back then, and I coaxed him out of his shell eventually. We were your typical high school sweethearts, all loved up and what not” she giggled as she reminisced on those days.