Dare Me to Live

Chapter 18 (Part one)

"You want my honest opinion? I think you're overthinking things," said Vanessa, methodically spreading mustard over the piece of bread in her hand. "Like usual," she added, though not unkindly.

"She killed herself, Van. If I'm going to over think anything, it might as well be this," I replied. I took a sip of my water, chewing on the ice as I started layering paper thin slices of tomato on the mustard-bread she set down.

We were sitting in her tiny apartment kitchen, making lunch and talking on opposite sides of the bar countertop. I was sitting on the edge of my stool, most of my weight still borne by my feet as I put together my sandwich, so that the wicker seat wouldn't imprint its pattern on my legs.

"You're using it as an excuse to distance yourself," Vanessa said matter-of-factly. "And I don't think it has anything to do with Mia, I think it has to do with Danny—you're doing it again."

I looked up from where I was moving a piece of tomato back into line with the others. Vanessa always made fun of me for having sandwich OCD. She said I put together sandwiches like I was building a pyramid, everything in perfect alignment and equal layers.

"Sorry—where does Danny fit into this?"

Vanessa sighed like it was obvious and started shredding lettuce into a bowl for a salad. "You think that being with Tyler is cheating on what you and Danny had together. You're looking for the type of relationship you had with him, but it doesn't exist."

The bottle of mayo I was shaking upside down over my bread paused mid-shake. My eyes clicked up to find Vanessa had suspended her sandwich making as well.

"You know, don't you?" I asked quietly. She nodded, but there was no judgment in her expression or her words. Instead, she offered me a small, easy smile.

"You guys hid it pretty well, but if you looked closely enough you could see it."

"See what?"

Vanessa shrugged. "There was just something about the way you guys reacted to each other—like if you moved, he would too—how he knew you were getting upset before you did. It was like you guys were drawing off each other's energies."

"Don't go all horoscopic on me again," I said, pointing my finger at her.

Vanessa had gone through a phase in high school where she would consult her horoscope before making any decision, not matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Will Brian ask her to prom? Consult the horoscope. What cereal should she eat this morning? Consult the horoscope. She took them to their word, always finding something that connected back to them no matter how many times I tried to point out that they were intentionally vague for that reason. And she would reference them in an annoyingly superior voice whenever I complained to her about something. Eventually, thankfully, she grew out of it.

Vanessa laughed and held up her hands. "I'm not," she said. "It's not something you would have noticed anyway."

"I'm still missing the point."

"All I'm saying is, you need to give yourself a fresh start. Tyler told you about Mia so you wouldn't be blindsided when it came up because eventually it would have. He seems like he's in a good place, as much as someone can be when something like that happens. He's clearly interested, so why not give it a shot?"

I picked up my completed sandwich, but didn't bite into it. Vanessa was right, as usual. A prickling feeling of guilt made its way through my limbs as I thought about how I had been avoiding Tyler the last few days. I had been feigning sickness to get out of seeing him at the library, but he must have known I was lying from how little I had been texting him. He had told me it was okay if I needed some time to think things over, but the truth was I had avoided thinking about it at all until I blurted the whole thing out to Vanessa on the way back from the gym.