World's Funniest One Liners & More

One Liners

As promised here is the first part. All credit to the rightful owners.Peace Emma and Chris. 

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.

 Time is what keep things from happening all at once.

 Lottery:A tax on people who are bad at maths

 I don't suffer from insanity;I enjoy every minute of it.

 Always go to other people's funerals or they won't come to yours.

 Few women admit their age;few men act it. 

We have enough youth. How 'bout a fountain of "Smart"? 

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

 Campers:Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 

Always remember you are unique-just like everyone else.

Nuke the Whales.

 Consciousness:That annoying time between naps.

 Why is "abbreviation"such a long word?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

 Change is inevitable,except from a vending machine.

 Out of my mind.Back in five minutes.

 Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 You can't have every thing;where would you put it? 

Okay,who stopped the payment on my reality check? 

We are born naked,wet and hungry. t hen things get worse.

 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 Be nice to your kids.They'll chose your nursing home. 

Humpty Dumpty was pushed (told you so).

 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

On the other hand,you have diffrent fingers. 

I've only been wrong once,and that's when I thought I was wrong. 

I just let my mind wander,and it didn't come back. 

I don't find it hard to meet expenses.They're everywhere.

 Don't steal.The government hates competition.

 All generalizations are false. 

The more people I meet,the more I like my dog. 

Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 

IRS:We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I'm out of bed and dressed.What more do you want.

 I used to think I was indecisive,but now I'm not so sure. 

If everything is coming your way,then you're on the wrong lane. 

Gravity always gets me down.

 This ststement is false.

 Eschew obfuscation.

They told me I was gullible....and I believed them. 

According to my best recollection I don't remember.

 It's bad luck to be superstitous. 

The word "gullible"isn't in the dictionary.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living,have you noticed how it remains so popular.

Save the whales.Collect the whole set.

The early bird gets the worm,but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Nobody's perfect.I'm a nobody.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

I didn't use to finish sentences but now I

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Bills travel through mail at twice the speed of checks.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I went to the fights,and a hockey game broke out.

If Barbie is so popular,why do you have to buy her friends?

If ignorance is bliss,then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger,then it hit me.

Why do people recite at a play and play at recital?

Why do people say "slept like a baby"when babies wake up every two hours?

To write with a broken pen is pointless.

A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

A/N:So did you guys like it,'cause I certainly did. Remember to send your ideas.

Love you my crazy papayas Emma and Chris