Within the Sins

٥ Emotions & Spirituality

أنا وقلبي حوسنا عليك مالقينا. 

Sitting underneath an olive tree, near a dry mountain with a few green bushes around it, Yazid longs to see his sisters. Tears ooze out his eyes as he remembers that it has been over three months since he has seen them. For the first time ever, he broke the tradition of counting how many days, weeks, months, and years he has been in Jordan.

Long gone are the days of being woken up by Sadeen's innocent giggling. She was his daily alarm clock—the most heart-warming alarm clock one could find. The memory of fighting over the remote with Aseel is starting to fade away. Best of all, Sandra loved making him surprise breakfasts that he would wake up to in bed. His father crosses his mind sometimes, and even though he will never admit it, he misses him too. Hasan worked hard to provide for them during the day and spent time with them in the evenings as much as he could. Yazid would never deny Hasan's dedication toward his children's well being. . .which is making him realize he may have made a painful mistake of trusting some chemicals over his own father.

These little things have added up to mean a lot more to Yazid than he could have ever imagined. A sob escapes him, and a palm instantly flies up to his lips to stop himself, but he fails from doing so. He pulls at his hair as he cries. As his shoulders start to shake, his heart stings in his chest.

Unexpectedly, a flash of his mother passes through the tears in his eyes. The smell of her eloquent and misty perfume makes its way to his nostrils. Even more so, the smell of coconut shampoo in her beautiful, long hair begets an indescribable sensation in his abdomen. He wraps his arms around his knees and buries his face in his arms, crying uncontrollably. It has been such a long time since he heard her sweet, motherly voice. Where is she? He wants to bury his face in her chest and wants her to wrap her arms around him lovingly. She would be able to provide him with the home he has been searching for ever since he moved to this cursed country.

Where in the world is she? Why has she left him behind? Why did she have to drown herself in alcohol when she knew his father abhorred it? Does she not know that he hoped to find a new home in this strange country and that that very same home has demolished the normalcy of his life?

Sick of sobbing, Yazid forces himself to quit crying and to look up at the sky through his blurry vision. He takes a deep breath, and then releases it slowly. If He is up there, looking down at him, then where is He right now when he needs him the most?

The sound of the athan reaches his ears and spreads throughout the entire neighborhood around him; there is a jaame'e just meters away from where he is sitting. The mu'athen starts with preaching out loud that "God is the greatest" four times, and then he witnesses that "there is no God but God" twice. Afterward, he witnesses that "Muhammad is the messenger of God" two times. Then, he calls for people to come to prayer twice, and, instantly afterward, he calls for people to come to success; he says it twice as well. He repeats that "God is the greatest" two times before ending the call to prayer by declaring that "there is no God but God."

Each time the athan is said out loud and heard from far, far away, Yazid listens to it carefully; he was taught to do so when he was younger. It is more of a habit than anything else, but it also reminds him that the last time he performed a prayer ritual was five years ago. He does not know what it feels like to bow down in prostration in front of the Creator, nor does he intend to know what it feels like. He does not even recall what it feels like to wish peace and blessings upon the last Messenger of God and his righteous family just like everyone else does while praying.

Truthfully, he does not want anything to do with God, for God abandoned Yazid years ago. The only thing that has never disappointed Yazid were the needles. They were the real gods—not his mother or his father, or anyone else but the needles.