I woke up several times throughout the night to the sound of Erika's crying, I wanted so badly to go in and comfort her but I knew I couldn't just jump into her life and take role as her best friend. I'd done a whole lot of damage to her, it would take much for her to forgive me and I was willing to go the distance. No matter what had happened to us in the years we'd been apart, I still cared about her; there was no one in the world who knew me like she did. I was so desperate to get back to that. Besides, she was all I had left.
I finally woke for good around 12 but it wasn't to the sound of crying, just the birds chirping and the sun beaming in on me. I got dressed, combed my hair and walked downstairs. Erika was sitting at the table across from Chris with a cup of tea. By the looks of it I'd just broken up a pretty deep conversation.
I should, or perhaps might have been curious about what they had been discussing but what shocked me most was how much Chris had changed from the last time I'd seen him. His eyes were back to the adorable inviting ones that enticed me and he was so much more relaxed and calm. As he spotted me he smiled a small gentle and warm smile- which I loved- and then got up to hug me good morning. He was usually in a happy mood but today it seemed to have increased, he wasn't ecstatic or excited he was just more genuinely pleased to be around me.
I returned the smile and turned to Erika who had waved me good morning between sips of tea, "How's the baby this morning?" I asked sweetly. I didn't want her to know just yet that I'd heard last night's episodes.
"She's hungry!" Erika told me.
"She?" I asked suddenly and unexplainably ecstatic.
"Charlotte," she said, "her name's charlotte." I squealed in excitement and ran to hug her.
"That baby has got one sexy name," We Laughed.
The morning went by slowly, Erika got up a while after to do some washing and although I offered to help out she refused. Chris and I decided to take a work, seeming as it was nice and sunny out, warm too.
I began to feel rather sentimental, like this week was all about talking and letting people- important people- know how I felt and find out what was happening, or what had happened. Baby steps, I thought to myself, so I started with Chris.
"What is this?" I looked up at him as I asked.
"This?" he looked puzzled, not something that often happened with him.
"Us... what are we, I mean like are we together, are we just friends?" As soon as the first word slipped out he knew what I was talking about I just needed to clarify, to make sure I wasn't beating around the bush.
He was thinking hard about his response, I could tell. His mellow expression had changed to that of one I couldn't describe, it was almost pained. Although, at the same time, his eyes were full of a sorrow-full love.
"I want us to be together," he said at last and this made me happy, but I could feel more was coming. "I just... I don't want to hurt you." He stopped at a park bench and I did so also. " I feel as though this could go wrong, so easily and... I don't want to hurt you. You have come to mean so much to me and its shocking because I've known you for such a short period of time." He looked out at the space in front of him, I felt I should to but I couldn't take my eyes off him, I wanted so badly to decode the mystery of his expression.
"I've been hurt before...I can handle it."
"I can't do that to you."
"Why not?" I asked fueled by my emotions.
"Because you mean to much to me!" He finally raised his voice, I got the feeling he needed me to see how much he meant it. "I feel as though I have gotten to know you so much over the last week, you've been so honest with me and open, you've let so much out that I feel you haven't been able to before and I have come to care so much that I know I just couldn't bare to hurt you like you've been hurt before."
Silence filled the air around us, he seemed so determined that it wouldn't work, I was shocked. It wasn't just that, it was that, hearing someone cared so much- I wasn't used to it. At least, I wasn't used to hearing it from someone I too cared about.
"Why wouldn't it work?" I asked, my voice was not much more then a whisper.
"It's me; I'm... there is something... I am different to other... people." He managed to complete the sentence after much uncertaincey.
"I know you're different, I think that's why this is working so well."
He shook his head fiercely, "We've been working because of us, because we go, we are meant to be, the difference is the complication, the difference is why we will never be."
"This difference is?" I fumed.
"I can't tell you! I so desperately want to but I can't, I'm bound, you don't even understand how tightly. All my instincts are tell me to walk away!"
"Then why don't you?'
"Because I love you." His big eyes met me as he said this; his words were full of such passion. Those words were what I wanted to hear but I knew, even then, I knew they weren't enough.
