Short Stories for Short Attention Spans

The Greatest Battle Ever Fought

I'd like to tell you a story of the greatest battle ever fought. How do I know it was the best? Simple–I was there. While there are certainly battles that have been fought before and since, even battles that I haven't been apart of, I just know this one cannot be topped. It was simply spectacular. So sit down and listen up, because this will be a story you won't soon forget.

It all started at about 1pm on Thursday, October 3rd. The day was sunny, yet still brisk, and the leaves in the trees had just begun to turn their beautiful shades of red, yellow and orange. As I often did when engaging in battle, I donned my camouflage jacket. That jacket fit more snugly than anything I've ever owned. It provided incredible warmth, but also allowed me the mobility to scamper across enemy lines—something I did frequently in those days. The jacket was a badge of honor, and I wore it proudly.

As the battle was set to begin, I took a look at some of the other men and women I'd be fighting with. There was Mean Matty Cummings, a guy who could throw a sneer on his face that put fear in the hearts of everyone who witnessed it. He could stare down a fighter jet with those steely eyes. I was just glad he was on my side.

Sandy Wilmington was a girl, but I'll be damned if she didn't think like one of the guys. Her potty mouth could put any self-respecting man to shame, while her ability to chase down an intruder was unparalleled. Credit her parents for putting her through years of soccer practice–it gave her powerful legs and a boundless supply of energy. And while this wasn't really crucial to battle, she had the best laugh. Rich, joyful, and infectious, as any good laugh should be. I constantly tried to tell jokes around her, but I only know a handful of wisecracks, and perhaps more importantly, I'm not very funny.

Gordon Gaston was one of those guys who was kind of seedy, yet you still liked having him around. He was always able to get intel on anyone we battled, though it was questionable as to how he went about doing so. And to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think anybody else wanted to know his methods. What we could count on was information that was nearly 100% accurate. And in the line of fire, that kind of reliability is crucial.

Big Ed was, well, he was big. That was really his calling card. A solid foot taller than the rest of us, and at least 60 pounds heavier, for good measure. He barely spoke, but when he did, his voice reverberated across the battlefield like a tenor in the opera. An encounter with him meant running into a brick wall. He ensured you'd be walking with a limp for a month.

Ashley Patterson had just recently joined forces with us, but she was a welcome addition. Her eagle eyes were so incredible, I'm not entirely sure she hadn't received a transplant from an actual eagle. She could spot anyone out on the field with ease; we called her "Lookout" because of it. Well, that, and because she liked to jump down from her perch–in a tree, on a rock, or anywhere else that was elevated–without any kind of warning at all. If you were nearby, hopefully someone yelled out "look out!" or else Ashley would crush you. She was a tiny little ball of a human being, but I don't care who you are, it hurt if she fell on top of you.

Finally, my best friend Smelly Riley rounded out the crew. Smelly earned his nickname because he stunk up a storm. He claimed it was because he only bathed twice a week, which I whole-heartedly believed. We bonded quickly after serving in the mess hall together for a week. Admittedly, I could have befriended anyone amidst the awful grunt work of washing dishes and doling out gruel to our peers, but Smelly was an especially good guy. There had been more than a few occasions where we stayed out till all hours wreaking havoc on the neighborhood and sneaking candy whenever we could. I thought I had a sweet tooth, but Smelly took sugar to a new level. He was missing two of his front teeth thanks to cavities. I fortunately still had all of mine intact, though Smelly may have had a better smile than I did, regardless.