Chapter Sixteen

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When I was younger I would fall asleep to my mother's voice. My favorite bedtime story was about her and my dad, how they met and their whimsical romance.

At a Halloween party my mother was dressed as Tinkerbell. She sidled up to my father and told him that she liked his costume, when he wasn't wearing one. My father's response, which I hadn't known until I was older was,

"I'm a homicidal maniac, they look like everyone else."

It was safe to say that my mother kept her distance after that. I wouldn't blame her. She told me stories of how they ran in the same circle of friends and that they would often meet because of that. It was a slow progressing romance with heavy flirting until my mother finally got sick of his serious demeanor and practically demanded that he grow a pair of balls and ask her out. They've been together ever since.

When my parents are together they always argue about who wears the pants in the relationship and my mother always wins. She finishes with,

"Fine! You're the head of the house, but I'm the neck and where I want to go, you follow."

There are varying degrees of how the argument is ended but my mother always wins. They fight like squabbling toddlers but it's never a serious disagreement. Lyndon and I liked to sit and watch, despite the fight they would always make up and they would always apologize. My parents were my example of the perfect marriage and when I was younger I wanted the same kind of romance in my life. I grew up with parents who would openly be affectionate, not too much, but they would make sure that their love was visible to all they met.

I imagined meeting a man, being whisked off my feet and then marrying the man. We would buy a house, get a dog and then have children. I, like every other girl, had a dream about the perfect family under a perfect roof. I had fallen into the trap that girls were taught growing up, wishing for a life from the 1920's. Where a man would come home from work with his children running to greet him. He'd kiss them on the forehead and then ask how their day was, while I was in the kitchen fixing dinner. He would come into the kitchen, confess his love for me, like he did every day.

We would all sit down for dinner and talk about the things we did and after dinner my husband and I would help our kids with their homework. I didn't think that it was too much to ask for. I always imagined that it would be easy to find that. I was hooked on romance through both my parents and Disney movies, I wanted to be the Princess who lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as I grew up I became jaded. I witnessed relationships end as easily as they started. I had tried dating but it never went further than a kiss goodnight. The boys that I dated were just that, little boys who could not hold a stable job or a functioning conversation. I shouldn't have been surprised that they were interested in sex, but I was. I was young and naive. I had gone out on a whim to a club with the intent on just letting loose. I had given up my virginity and gotten pregnant, it really did only take one time for it to happen and for my dreams and world to come crashing down around me. I knew that I was no longer a child, and I knew that my dreams and aspirations were no longer the same. Even though my dreams were different, I still held onto the hope that I would someday have my happily ever after.

If I was being honest with myself, I'll admit that I hated the child that was in my stomach for a few months. I wanted nothing to do with her and I really didn't want to be a single mother. I wanted to rid myself of this parasite growing inside of me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I hated it. I didn't want to dress the parasite up and parade it around with other parasites. I liked House, the show, he described pregnancy like that. It wasn't until I was about five months when I had seen the gender of my child, I started to look forward to having her. I don't know why, I started to look forward to having her, but I just did. When she was born, I was over the moon. I felt so lucky and amazed. She was my little girl, she was so small. So innocent. I knew the moment that I held her in my arms that I would do anything to protect her. I knew that she was my light and my everything. My little Athena, my pride and joy. My hope, my little Goddess.

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