The Moment I Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 20

A/N
Um.
This chapter is basically a shit ton of angst.
I'm sorry.
Love you!

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Harry's POV

When I first kissed him, both Felix and I were to startled to move.
Kissing him had been so instinctive and automatic, but once I had done it, I felt like I had never kissed somebody before. My hands felt clammy and nervousness pooled in my stomach as I willed him to do something.
Finally, he moved, parting his lips slightly for me to slot mine between. One of his hands moved to hold the back of my neck.
Felix's mouth was soft, almost like a girl's. I smiled slightly, remembering how I had always teased him for being obsessed with Chapstick.
I ran my hands through his hair. It wasn't as soft as Louis's.
I mentally cursed at myself for thinking of Louis as I kissed Felix.
Felix grunted softly and I realized that I had bitten his lower lip when I had tensed up. I relaxed, forcing myself to focus on what really was real and now who I dreamed of kissing.
I felt Felix use his free hand to tug on my waist, guiding me to straddle him.
It wasn't like I hadn't kissed a guy before. I'd done it multiple times while hopelessly drunk, wishing that when I pulled away, that just once I would see Louis staring back and not a random stranger.
Surprisingly, I didn't remember any of them really caring that they had just snogged Harry fucking Styles.
I liked it that way.
I pulled away from Felix and rested my forehead against his. His eyes fluttered open and my heart ached as I looked into green and not bright blue.
A lazy smile spread over his face.
"Was wondering if you would ever make a move," he murmured.
I shrugged and bit my lip.
I bent down and kissed him again, sighing softly into his mouth. His nails scratched gently at my scalp and I struggled to surpress a moan.
Felix knew me too well though, and I could feel him smirk slightly as he tugged at the curls on the back of my neck.
I gasped and shivered, biting his lip gently when he chuckled.
One hand stayed tangled in my hair but his other gently traced up and down my sides, occasionally slipping under my shirt.
His hands were big and tough and not at all like Louis's soft, small ones. I found myself wishing that Felix wasn't as big as I was. I wanted him to be much smaller and I wanted his hair to be brown and not blonde and his eyes to be blue and not green.
I wanted him to be Louis.
I hissed and tried to shake the invasive thoughts of Louis away, but as always, he stubbornly clung to my mind.
"Relax, babe," Felix murmured as he pulled away.
He kissed along the edge of my jaw, nipping lightly. He reached my ear and bit down, tugging lightly before trailing his lips down my throat. He sucked, hard enough that it hurt slightly.
I hissed again, but for a much different reason, and pulled his chin up so that I could kiss him more.
I kissed him desperately, needing to feel the love that he was providing.
"Felix," I gasped, "FelixFelixFelixFelix!"
I struggled to focus on him and to not allow myself to slip into a lie that I was actually kissing Louis. It made my heart ache and I took it out on Felix's mouth, biting down hard.
I whined when he pushed me back and I tried to follow his lips.
He stared at me, his eyes wide and rather dark. His hair was messy from my hands and it fell into his face.
Finally, his eyes clouded and he sighed.
"What are you doing?" he asked quietly, batting my wandering hands away.
I looked at him, confused.
"Well, I was kissing you and you were kissing me. Did I do something wrong?" I asked, getting scared.
He had seemed into the kisses. But what if he hadn't been?
I scrambled off of his lap. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair. He was avoiding my eyes, I could tell.
"Were you kissing me?" he asked, so quietly that I hardly heard him.
I was getting more confused by the second.
"What do you mean?" I asked, "I didn't exactly imagine it and neither did you."
He shook his head and stared intently at the bed underneath us.
"Who were you kissing, Harry?" he asked sadly, "Was it me? Or was it Louis?"
Once again, Felix knew me too well.
I couldn't answer him. My throat was tight with guilt and my chest ached.
"Harry, I...," he started, but he paused.
He finally looked at me and his eyes burned so intensely that I had to look away.
"I think that I've always been really into you, you know. Like from day one," he said quietly, "But I never could do anything about it. In the beginning, I'll admit it, your mind was so fucked and you were hardly sane sometimes. And then you got better and you could finally open up to me and all you could say about Louis was how much you loved him. It's always been Louis, Harry, I know that it has, but sometimes...I dunno, sometimes I just wondered if maybe it couldn't be me one day."
I gaped at him and he stared back at me. His eyes were full of something that I could only recognize in my own eyes when I looked at Louis.
"I thought that maybe sometimes you would look at me differently, like maybe you felt what I feel for you about me. I love you, Harry, and it goes deeper than you being my best friend. And fuck, don't look at me and say that you weren't wishing that I was Louis that entire time that you were kissing me. I know that you were, I could feel it when you fought it. But you were still kissing him, not me. I understand, I really do," Felix sighed, "I know how you feel now. He could be right next to you but so far out of your reach at the same time."
I was stunned. I was frozen. I was everything that dealt with being completely shocked.
"Look, Harry, don't feel guilty, because I know that you are. You know how you told Louis that it wasn't his fault? Well, it's not your fault that I feel this way. You're another one of my addictions now," he said, his mouth twitching intk a quirky half-smile.
Felix glanced at me and I couldn't move to look away. He looked so defeated.
"Part of me really wishes that I didn't know you so well. Maybe I could believe that you felt the same way about me and that you were really kissing me. But I can't. Maybe I was stupid to not stop myself when I looked at you longer than I should have or when I cuddled with you or anything really. But fuck, you're so fucking addictive, Harry! I just can't help myself around you!" he cried, "You're so perfect, even if you can't see it! I've never wanted to kill somebody as much as I want to kill Louis because he fucking doesn't deserve how much you love him. He's the worst thing that ever happened to me!"
Felix had his teeth bared in a vicious snarl as he ranted. But then he looked into my eyes and he relaxed slightly.
"But maybe he's the best. If it weren't for him, I would have never met you, would I? But then again, maybe it would have been better to never know you, to never get so addicted. One look and you had me, Harry. I'll do anything for you except stop loving you because fuck, I have no idea how," he whispered, his expression similar to a man drowning.
Desperate and afraid and helpless.
I felt the same way. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, smothering me. My heart started to race and I struggled to stay relatively calm.
"Can we just forget that this happened? I don't want our relationship to fall apart like your's and Louis's did. I want to be your best friend, Harry. I'll deal with my feelings and maybe they'll go away eventually. You never know," he said, smiling sadly at the ground.
I knew that he didn't believe what he was saying. He knew that he was probably in too deep.
"Listen, I need to go to my appointment. I'll talk to you later, okay?" he asked gently, ruffling my hair as he stood.
One of his knees cracked as he stood, the sound faint against my ringing ears.
Felix left without another word, the door closing behind him.
I touched the empty space that he had left beside me. The duvet was warm against my hand from his body.
My fingers came up to my mouth, feeling it tenderly. It was still slightly swollen from kissing Felix.
What had I done? Felix was the only person that I could depend on. I needed him to survive. He was my lifeline and I had all but cut the rope that tied me to him.
I stood and violently threw one of his pillows across the room with a furious yell.
I didn't know who I was the most angry with.
Louis, for fucking me up in the first place.
Felix, for being so stupid to fall for somebody who he knew couldn't return his feelings.
Me, for being so fucked up and fucking Felix up.
I threw his other pillow and then I ripped off the duvet and sheets from his bed. I picked up the mattress and shoved it off as well.
I then proceeded to rip apart my bed as well.
I yanked out the drawers in the desks and the bedside tables and threw them to the floor.
I was seeing red. I was so angry.
I opened the drawers of our dressers and I threw clothes around the room before pulling out the drawers as well.
I swiped things off of tables and surfaces, not caring if they broke when they hit the ground.
I threw a picture of Felix and I against the wall until the frame shattered and there were dents in the walls. I took out the picture, cutting my fingers on the glass, and I ripped it in two.
Once that I was satisfied with having completely destroyed our room, I collapsed in a pile of clothes and started to sob. Sweat ran down my face and mixed in with my tears.
Why did I have to mess everything up? Why couldn't I just have one normal, healthy friendship without somebody falling in love with the other?
I was so fucking stupid and useless! I hurt everybody that I loved. Fuck, they'd be so much better without me.
They'd already lost me mentally anyways. What was losing me physically going to hurt? Nobody needed to see me. I was disgusting and nobody wanted to look at me anyways.
I had put up so many walls that anybody besides Felix and Aysiah couldn't say that they knew me, even my family and the boys.
Fuck it. I didn't care if I hurt anybody anymore. I had already hurt everyone more than I knew was possible.
I crawled over to the broken glass, my sides heaving as I choked on air.
I had to stop halfway across the room. I was so dizzy with lack of oxygen and I knew that I was hyperventilating.
In the mess that I had created, I had no idea where my inhaler had gone.
I laid down, clutching at a shirt that I had whipped to the floor. I was going to black out and I wondered frantically how much time had passed since Felix had left.
I was so scared. I didn't want to die anymore, not of an anxiety attack.
Would I breath normally when I went unconscious? Or would I die of lack of oxygen before Felix came back?
I was terrified and it wasn't helping. I retched, vomiting on a duvet. I still couldn't breath and I wondered if I was choking on vomit.
I tried to scream, but now sound came out. My vision swam and my last memory was of my grip loosening on the shirt that I clutched.


Louis's POV

After I fled from Liam's house, I instinctively went to Harry's to curl up in his bed.
I decided that I would never watch another movie again. I didn't want to see somebody cutting themselves, even if it was fake.
Fuck, I never wanted to watch TV or go on the Internet ever again.
I felt so sick and I curled into the fetal position.
I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket and I knew that it had to be one of the boys, wondering if I was alright.
Didn't they know they that I hadn't been alright for months?
I let my mind wander and it decided to pick Harry, as usual.
I often wondered if he had ever done anything with a guy or if I was the only one that he had ever kissed and apparently had sex with.
I wished that I could remember. I had to assume that I had been on top, for lack of better words. I knew that I would have been sore the next morning if I hadn't been.
When I thought hard about it, I did remember Harry walking weirdly the next day.
We'd gotten into a fight the next day. I remembered that with a sickening feeling in my stomach.
He'd said something about it hurting him when I stayed away from him in public and how he hated how I was more worried about how Eleanor dealt with hate than how I was treating him.
Christ. Why hasn't I listened to him? Why hadn't I treated him better? Why hadn't I loved him? Why didn't I love him?
I wanted to know what he felt so badly! What kind of love was so strong that it made you crazy?
Was it a gay thing?
I had to laugh at myself. Gay people loved the same as straight people. There was no difference in their minds and how they loved.
But I was so desperate that rationality was flying out of the window at an alarming rate.
Fuck. I needed to know what it felt like to be with a guy.
I dug my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through my contacts until I found Logan.
He'd put his number into my phone when I had met him at a club. I remembered with a small smile that he had told me that he had a boyfriend named Harry.
H & L, just like Harry and Louis.
I clicked on it, my heart racing.
"'Lo?" a groggy sounding voice.
"Logan?" I asked, my voice shaking.
"Yeah. S' me," he grumbled, "Who're you?"
"Louis. Louis Tomlinson. Um, I met you at a club once. You danced with me even though you have a boyfriend named Harry and you said that he was a big fan and fuck, I'm rambling, but yeah. It's Louis," I chattered anxiously.
"Oh! Louis!" he exclaimed, suddenly more awake, "I'm sorry. Um, I was kind of half-awake when I answered. Yeah, babe. Louis Tomlinson, I told you that I met him."
I assumed that the second half of his talking was him talking to his Harry.
I heard a rustle and what sounded like a bed creaking and it hit me.
Ah. I knew why Logan sounded tired when it was only the early evening. I had to give myself a naughty little pat on the back.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of Louis Tomlinson calling me?" he asked.
"Um. I was like...wondering if you um...knew anybody like...who would um like to...like...somebody who um...might like to uh...hook up with...um, me?" I squeaked, "Like, um, a guy preferably?"
Logan was silent for a while.
"Yeah, I do. But you've got a fiancée, Louis. I'm not the type of guy to help somebody cheat," he said.
"Fuck, I know, but I just...I just need to know something. Please, Logan, I'm desperate!" I pleaded.
"Why didn't you just go to a club or bar or something and find somebody there? There's tons of guys out there who're looking for something like this. And if you want to know if getting a dick up your arse is pleasurable, yes. It most definitely is," he chuckled.
I blushed even though he wasn't even with me.
"No, um, that's not what I was wondering. And I guess I didn't think of that, honestly. Fuck, Logan, please? Please? I'm fucking going insane!" I begged.
"I'm so going to hell for this. Fuck it, alright. One of my friends has a gay friend who's always looking for some. Do you want me to like give him your address or what?" Logan sighed.
"Yeah. Um, yeah. That'd be good," I said, "I guess my number too."
Logan got my address and hung up, promising to call the guy and that he really did know him and that the guy would not attempt to murder me.
Minutes later, I got a text.
'Hey, baby. You ready for me now?'
I gulped. Suddenly, this was a horrible idea.
'Yes.'
I typed back.
'Mmm, okay. I'll be there in twenty. Why don't you get your sexy arse all ready for me?'
I stared at the message. What did I even have to do? Did I need like a dildo or something?
'This is my first time. I don't know what to do.'
I was being honest.
'Fuck, that's so hot baby. I'm only typing with one hand ;-) How about you lay down for me'
I shakily went into Harry's guest room. I wasn't doing this on his bed.
'Okay.'
I slid out of my track pants.
'Get your fingers nice and slippery for me and go ahead and get one in that tight little arse.'
I had to shove my hand up my arse?
I shook my head and scrambled back to Harry's room, digging through various drawers until I found a small bottle of half-empty lube.
Nope. I was definitely not going to think about what the other half had been used for.
I returned back to the guest room and I lubed up my fingers. I pushed one inside of me and I wrinkled my nose.
Ugh. It was so uncomfortable and it was a bit painful. Fuck, I had to get an actual dick in me? It didn't seem possible and suddenly I felt really sick and scared.
'You tight? This the first time you've fingered yourself?'
'Yes.'
'Mmm. Be there in ten, baby. You like it?'
'It feels weird.'
'Think you can get another in? I'm so hard thinking about you.'
I tried to force another finger in and I squeezed my eyes shut. It definitely hurt. I couldn't do it.
I pulled my fingers out and wiped them on the sheets.
I sat on the edge of the bed, terrified but still curious. I periodically got messages from the guy.
Ben was his name, Logan had said.
I jumped when I heard a knock.
I was going to throw up on the carpet. I knew it. I was so scared.
I slunk to the door and opened it a crack.
Ben looked like the picture Logan had sent.
Long, straight black hair and dark skin and eyes. Lots of muscle. He was attractive but I was so terrified that it didn't matter.
I opened it all the way and a lazy smirk slid over his mouth as he stepped inside.
He slowly strolled towards me and I backed up until I was pressed against the wall, his hips pinning me down.
Something very large pressed into my hip bone.
He was much taller than me, I realized.
"Fuck. I'm so hard for you, baby, you know that? I want you to get on your knees for me," he growled in my ear, biting down hard.
I knelt down tentatively and I shakily undid his belt. My mind was going on autopilot.
When he stepped out of his jeans, I saw that he wore no underwear. I stared at his dick. No way was that going inside of me.
"Going to fuck that pretty little mouth of yours," was all the warning I got before he was forcing my head back and his dick inside of my mouth.
I choked and gagged violently as he hit the back of my throat. He stilled and my nose pressed against his stomach.
I thrashed around, inhaling frantically through my nose.
I was going to suffocate!
He pulled out and shoved back in, forcing me to stay still.
"Fuck, baby, just look at you taking it," he groaned.
I wasn't just taking it. I was gagging and choking and close to throwing up.
Finally, he pulled completely out and helped me up.
"Was gonna come. Wanna wait till I'm inside of that perfect arse of yours," he growled.
My throat ached and I turned away so that he wouldn't see the tears streaking down my face.
"Bedroom," he hissed.
I slunk to the guest room. He shoved me down onto the bed and clambered on top of me, grinding down.
"Look at you, so pretty, so wrecked already!" he cooed, tugging my hair so my neck was exposed.
I whimpered in pain as he sunk his teeth into my throat.
He tore off the pants that I had put back on me before he had arrived.
"I'm not going to touch you. You'll come untouched and not until I say so," he ordered.
I was freely bawling, but he didn't notice.
He dribbled lube onto three fingers and shoved them all in.
I sobbed, pain shooting up my lower back. I hadn't even gotten two in!
"So tight! Fuck, you'll feel good," he rumbled.
He thrusted his fingers unrelentingly. He grunted when he decided that I was good enough and pulled out.
I was still crying, fear and pain paralyzingly me.
Ben pulled out a condom and rolled it on. He grinned wickedly as he squirted more lube out onto himself.
He pressed himself against me and he let out a low, animalistic groan as he forced himself in.
I literally shrieked with the pain that shocked me. It hurt so bad that I saw stars.
"Please, no, stop!" I sobbed.
"Mmm, so tight," he purred.
"Seriously, stop! Please, don't! Get out, please! I can't do this!" I wailed, thrashing around.
I shoved him off of me. He stared at me.
"You got a kink for rape role-plays?" he asked, giving me his dirty smile.
"No! Please, please, please! I can't! I've got a fiancée and I just can't do this! Please, it hurts and please just go!" I begged.
His eyes narrowed angrily.
The next thing that I knew, my face was the part of me in pain and blood was splattering across my shirt.
"You little fucking whore! You're just a cheap little shit! Fuck you, I didn't come here to be rejected! Fucking whore!" he snarled.
He shoved his clothes on and stormed out. I heard the front door slam.
I sobbed hysterically, my nose bleeding steadily from when he had hit me. I didn't think that it was broken, but it hurt and so did my arse.
I stumbled from the room and felt around Harry's, blind from my tears, until I found my phone.
I dialed Eleanor.
"Hello? Louis?" she answered, sounding irritated.
I couldn't stop crying.
"Lou? You okay?" she asked, worry filtering through.
"El, I...I...can you come o-over tomorrow? I need...I need to talk t-to you," I sobbed.
"Yeah, babe, of course. What's wrong?" she agreed.
"I'll...I'll tell you tomorrow," I hiccuped before hanging up on her.
I laid down in Harry's bed again, my nose undoubtably staining it.
I had just had sex with a guy. Did it count as sex if neither of use had finished?
I threw up, loving the placement of Harry's trash bin next to the bed.
I was so disgusting, so sickening.
I didn't deserve to be alive.