For What Its Worth...Or Is it?

Escaping

How do you escape.

Do you go for a ride. A walk. A run.

Do you maybe work on a favorite hobby like restoring cars or even sculpting.

Ok, ill tell you mine...only if you promise to tell me yours.

I have several ways of escaping:

1. Not taking my meds and walking to god knows where and drinking myself into a stupor.

2.cutting my arms, legs, basically everywhere until I can't feel anything. Don't gasp when you read this because I am a fast healer and almost never leave a scar.

3. Burning...yes I said burning...anything hot will do, an iron... stove... lighter to a pin...matches... even going as far as to ask someone for their cigarette when the go to put it out. That's only been three times and it was because I wasn't home or near any stores and I needed an escape fast.

4. Taking random pills I find. Before you ask no I am not a drug addict....not in the slighest. I would say "I can stop anytime I want" but seriously....that's a giant drug addict line and I shall never use it. I can say that after the last time I took too many and spend the night in a hospital after having my stomach pumped-which is torture because of the charcoal shit that's in your throat- I've stopped this method pretty much all together.

That's a few of my escapes,and although im not proud of them....it works for me.

Escaping is my way of temporarily letting go of all my emotions, pains, memories and the other crap that comes with it.

Sometimes escaping can cause you to do drastic things. I can say that because at one point I took my escaping to a suicidal level. Don't get me wrong I have tried to commit suicide many times, but one time I got so close I could almost taste it.

Ill repeat the same thing I told my psychiatrist a few months back.

"I was at my lowest of lows and in my dark yard I hung a noose over a tree branch. Expertly tied every knot making this one of the best id ever made. The branch was kind of tall so I had to use a tall chair to reach it. 

I put my head into the loop made one last thought or maybe wish...not sure of which, jumped a little and kicked my foot back knocking the chair out from under me.

The instant painful tightness in my neck and way everything in my vision seemed to swing slightly let me know it worked. A few minutes later I started to feel numb all over, then my vision started to fade in my head all I was thinking was 'This is it'.

Pressure is what I felt next a forceful pressure, forcing itself into my body. Damn I mustve done something wrong, or maybe this afterlife thing is just a painful process.

Pounding... hard pounding on my chest....increasing with every passing second...or minute...hell even day I wasn't really sure, im dieing so what the hell do I know.

As time went by be it seconds, minutes, or days the forceful pressure started forcing its way into my body, though it started synchronizing with some other kind of beating.

I knew then what was happening, some one was bringing me back to life. I hated it, all of my hard work for nothing....NOTHING!!

More forceful pressure entered my body making my aching lungs swell up and soon the aching subsided.

My senses came back next and I could make out, well actually taste the minty fresh breath breath of the person respirating me. Soon my heart starting beating on its own and my lungs inhaling every breath the person was forcing into my body.

After some more pounding my body involuntarily thrust up,  inhaling night air...and looking up into the bright green eyes of my best friend Aeron and Cliche as it may sound....suddenly i had my reason to live, although now its gone since hes gone."

Yeah as you can see escaping can sometimes lead to you doing things to yourself that you can never take back, and though the things i do are harmful its a part of me. So I ask myself one little thing everytime I have thoughts of suicide I ask myself one small question:

Is it really worth it?

Though one day I fear the anwser will be yes...