Borderline Personality Disorder - Sort of like a diary

Abandonment issues and other stuff

Abandoned. That’s how I feel when people around me say that they love me but they’re emotionally unavailable. People are limited, they can’t do everything at once, but the worst thing is I overthink this shit. Like why can’t my best friend at least go to my house after I lost someone in my family? He’s busy with his competitive school exams and his competitive classmates, and he lives like a hundred miles away. A part of me asks why can’t he just come over and do what normal people do, condolence. But a part of me knows that he’s not the kind of person who knows what he should do, emotionally wuthout me crying on the phone telling me I want to kill myself. He’s limited. And everybosy is limited.

As soon as I’m all alone, I feel like all these people doesn’t really like me. Why? Beause they’re leaving me. It’s fucking pathetic. I hate to feel like this. And other people will never know what I am like. I’ve never told anyone outside my family that I have BPD. A lot of my peers, especially teenage boys, they just thinks I’m some sort of weirdo. I don’t laugh when it’s not funny, sure I have bad atitude to some teachers that thinks I’m an ass, I don’t date anymore because I feel awkward, sometimes I write in english and then post it on my facebook and then I don’t know why guys my age can be so mean, I have friends who are schizoprenic, I have a friend who is gay, I have a friend who’s missing and people thinks she’s dead. It’s like… when someone, just one person dislikes me, I start to overthink.

‘What if other people feel the same ways about me?’ and then I start to believe that people in general hates me. So I have these questions in my head. ‘why can’t I be like people?’ or ‘what am I?’ ‘am I stupid?’. I am truly pathetic. And I am pathetic for writing it online because no people in my country that I so hate living in know how a mental disorder can fuck up someone’s life. I feel abandoned by everyone.

It sounds so fucking stupid, but I do feel that way. If someone would say that they can’t spend time with me because they have something else to do, I would start to wonder about what it is about me that they hate.

If someone doesn’t answer my texts, I would think that I did something wrong to them.

If one thing doesn’t work out in my day I would feel like shit. Like I fail. Deep inside my head I know this isn’t how I should feel like, I should get on with my day like any other human beings. But it’s a lot more complex than that. Something happened to me when I was a kid that made me this way, or something in my genetics made me this way? I don’t know.

I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed because I have done one thing wrong. Wether it’s not getting into the good school, not knowing where my kidnapped friend is, or just from not knowing how to count simple chemistry, not knowing how to fix the computer, or saying something wrong to someone who is abviously okay with it. Big or small mistakes, I feel like I failed, I feel like who I am is not enough, I’m not good, I fucked up, I’m bad and I’ll rot in hell. Why do I have to be so weird? Why did I made this way? I don’t know.

I was just going through my day like normal teenagers would, having fun and shit. Then my school council who had no idea about my disorder said I have a bad attitude towards failure, she was right. She said I need to handle mysel better. I know I can’t do that as well as other people can. Then on that moment my whole self esteem crashes, but on the outside I’m just like any other students. I’m not good enough, I can’t control myself as well as other people, I hated myself, I wanted to crawl in a hole and fucking die. That’s how I feel when one little mistake happens. I suck at normal living.

All along I thought everybody can feel this way, but once I was diagnosed, my whole prespective of myself changed. I know I can live the rest of my life like this, but maybe there’s a cure. But right now, I’m not yet cured, I need help.

I want to be cured, I want to be changed. I don’t want to be me.