Borderline Personality Disorder - Sort of like a diary

Chamelleon

The real truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared of death, I’m scared that I might say the wrong thing to the wrong people, that I did wrong, I’m scared that my crazy impulses will take me to m grave, I’m sared that people who say they love me turns out lying, I’m scared, so fucking scared. It’s no one’s fault that I feel like this all the time. I’m scared that no one is going to take care of me, I’m scared that people hate me, I’m scared that I will kill myself, I’m scared that I love people and then hate them again, I’m scared that all of those turns to be true all along.

The feeling is like you're wearing a mask all day pretending and if you're alone in your room, the mask falls off and all the monsters inside of you just come out. I hate being alone in a room where the monsters can mess with my head until I’m asleep or dead or both.

I’m sared of everything sometimes.

I don’t know what I am, I’m just doing what I know others will like about me. Like a chamelleon, it’s not a good thing. I want to feel sure about what I’m doing, not just make others sure, but myself sure. But I’m never sure.

I’m scared of heights, I’m sared of death, I’m scared if people find out about my secrets, I’m scared that I might love my best friend more than I love him as a friend, I’m scared that I will never achieve anything, I’m scared of hell. I don’t dare to ask anyone about these feelings, I’m a patehtic young coward.

I’m scared about my future, I’m scared for my mom after my brother’s dead, I’m scared for my dad, I’m scared about another death, I’m scared for myself, I’m scared that everybody’s scared, I’m scared that I have to stay strong. I am never a teenager, I always have the same looks in my eyes, a man in a bus told me that I have an old soul. Wise before my age sounds wise. I read books written by old people, listen to songs sung by old people, talk like an adult, act and do things like my parents would, have a job while being the VP of 3 school clubs, read philosophy books and nods, felt a loss of a dear friend and a brother, staying strong and silent .But I am nothing but a chamelleon.

I want to be a child again. But when I was a child I’m always like this. I am scared, and anxious, I am a scared chamelleon. You know what a chamelleon do when it’s scared? It turns black