Schizo || h.s

four

My phone taunts me. I'm not sure if I'm just hallucinating it ringing in the first place, and I'm not sure if Eleanor's name is actually displayed on the screen. At this point, I can't trust anything, not even myself.

The device in my hand continues its tune as it almost reaches the last ring. Before it's too late, I tap accept and press the phone against my ear. The only sound emitting from the other line is the soft, familiar sound of her breathing. It is slightly heavier and at a quicker pace than usual, making her sound almost nervous.

"Harry?" she asks, hope evident in her voice.

The sound of her voice causes a smile to involuntarily make its way onto my face. Oh, how I've missed hearing her say my name.

"Eleanor?"

"Harry! You're there!" she exclaims in surprise.

As much as I've missed hearing her speak, at the same time it felt like my subconscious was teasing me, my heart breaking every time a word escapes her beautiful lips. I knew that -- no matter how much I wished to -- I couldn't get back together with her, even if she thought differently. Coming this close to her, but knowing that I can't get any closer, is like a pull of my heartstrings.

"Yeah . . ." I trail off with suspicion, my mind still fuzzy over the previous events that had taken place just mere minutes before.

"So I listened to your message," she says, causing my face to fall in fright. "It made me realize how inconsiderate I've become. I was being selfish and didn't even notice that you're suffering from the most pain."

Fuck. This can't happen. I wish I could just rewind time and stop myself from ever recording that message. The last thing I need right now is for her to get involved. She may think she has everything figured out, but she doesn't even know half of it. Underlying the façade I have exteriorized is a void of all the emotions I refuse to physically show. No matter what, I mustn't show anyone how battered and bruised I really am on the inside.

"No, it really is fine. Please don't get involved," I pleaded.

"Harry, I think I know what's wrong. You don't need to worry anymore."

"Eleanor, it's really not what--"

"I'm going to help you, Harry. I'm going to help you whether you like it or not," she says sternly, her voice wavering with anger.

I just really want to scream out to her: "I don't want nor need your help. Please leave me the fuck alone so I can drown in my sorrows in peace. Listen to my silent pleas and leave me alone," but I know I can't, as I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards.

She took my silence as the acceptance that I had no choice but to give.

"I'm taking you to a therapist tomorrow afternoon," she blatantly stated.

No.

Kill yourself before it's too late.

You were so close before.

"No, I--"

The other line goes silent; she had hung up on me.

***

Needless to say, I hadn't gotten any sleep that night. The only reason I actually left my bed the next morning was because of the endless dinging of my phone whenever Eleanor texted. I knew that I had no choice but to do whatever she asks me to.

It surprises me that I haven't ever seen this side of her before. Only now have I seen this controlling side of her that wants authority over ever move I make. Thinking back to previous memories I realize that she has always been like that, but I was too blinded by my love for her to notice.