Blackout

I run as fast as I can through the forest, desperately trying to get to my destination, as fast as my legs can take me, not paying any attention to the small needle-like pines on the branches of trees I ran past, as they viciously scratch any exposed skin I have in my old ratty gray t-shirt and blue jeans.

The sting of the small scattered cuts doesn't bother me much. No physical pain can compare to the pain I feel in my heart weighing me down and pulling me to the brink of hopelessness.

......

I stroked her hair as we sat together on her bed in a comfortable silence, her head on my chest, our legs tangling together. She broke the silence and asked me, "What do you want to do after high school?"

Her question rang through my head like a cymbal. No one had ever really asked me that question because no one believed I'd last that long with my condition. They probably thought I'd freak out and have another episode if I was asked.

She however didn't know about my condition. I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want her to think of me as a freak, or be scared of me.

I didn't realize how long I'd been lost in my own thoughts until she interrupted them and asked in an exasperated tone, "Well, what's your answer?"

I really didn't know how to answer that question, so I replied, "I don't really know."

She didn't look very surprised at all with my answer. She gave me a small smile and said, "That's alright, I know most people at this age don't truly know what they want to do."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, after what she said.

"I don't truly know either, all I know is that I want a big family with a man I truly love," she said as she rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

I can't read minds, but I got a sense of what meaning really laid behind her words. I knew she loved me, she'd told me a countless number of times, despite the fact that I never said it back to her. I did reciprocate her feelings towards me, but I knew that if I told her that I loved her, everything would become real and I couldn't lead her on like that when I knew that it had to end at some point. I couldn't give her the family she wanted and I wouldn't condemn anyone - especially a person I love - to a horrible life with an unpredictable monster like me.

"I hope you find that man and have the family you want," I said in a nonchalant tone, trying to keep my cool and not break down at the thought of her with someone else. She frowned at me and didn't say anything else ended the conversation and bringing back the silence, which was now not so comfortable.

......

As I thought of that particular memory, my legs faltered for a second slowing me down to a stop. I put my hands on the knees of my blood covered jeans and let a single tear drop down my cheek.

As I stood back up I looked at my hands and saw the blood that covered them - her blood. At the sight I clenched my hands angrily and started back towards my destination with a newfound mix of rage and sadness fueling my determination.

Salty tears now covered my face, yet I didn't bother to wipe them away. Trees I passed turned to blurs and memories of the time we spent together flashed through my mind pulling me deeper into the depths of my mind.

......

"Do you trust me?" she said with a playful smile on her face, not knowing how much weight that question held, or how hard it was to answer.

"...I-I do."

I knew what I said was true and the realization of it hit me like a tsunami. A wide smile unwillingly took over my face.