Shambles

Mechanical.

I focused my mind stubbornly on that single word. It was safe. If I ignored every thought within my mind besides that one word, I’d make it through the day. Even with a cheerful Andrea chatting incessantly in my ear.

No other words popped up, nothing connected. I only saw the shadow from my locker as it clanged shut; my attention was focused upon the picture in my mind that stubbornly refused to leave. Each small moment swelled inside my mind, pressing ruthlessly against the bounds that had been constructed for safety reasons, and they continued to grow dangerously.

Distantly the cool metal brushed a rough callous built upon my palm as it fastened the lock. Okay, I forced myself to hear my own thoughts above the roaring memories whose faces I refused to acknowledge. But even my inner voice was far off and wavering. Focus now, mechanical. Thesaurus; other words for mechanical, think! Maybe if my thoughts could barge through the maze of memories the inflammation would halt, or at least slow.

Systematic.

I took a step back, Andrea in automatic tow. Hallways have always been a dangerous environment; populated ninety percent by the least intelligent of the generation. But it was much worse, because I’d allowed myself to retreat into a small safe darkness, isolated from those bustling about me.

Crushing my eyelids together, my foot flattened upon the hideous linoleum common in high schools. I expected impact, or at least a vile muttered word at my invasion, but nothing greeted me. The inflating memories, squishing and beating each other for front mind position, had now crossed over the realm to painful. Remaining unscathed, at least physically, my eyes flickered open regretfully. Blissfully unaware of my bizarre behavior, Andrea persisted with her monologue. Thankfully the need for this conversation to be two-way was non-existent. I simply needed to nod when she took a rare pause.

Unconscious.

As Andrea took the time to drag in a much needed breath, I obligingly nodded, though stiffly, continuing the façade that I was listening.

My feet moved, my knees bending in turn down the path to end of the hall. But they felt too far away, as if I wasn’t the one causing my legs to move. I couldn’t claim the progress as my own. The motion as well as that body was the only things keeping me to this far off plain, my mind and soul – if it happened to exist – had separated themselves from the mortal binds as a necessity, keeping far from the body with the subsiding ache. My body was the string tied to the toddler’s wrist while the balloon that was my sanity fought fiercely to be free.

Emotionless.

With an agonizing twist of the lips I parted ways from my gullible companion. The moment the dyed blonde head with greasy brown roots spun away, the unbearable smile slid from my face, and I continued to the end on my own. At least until the toes of my shoes touched the entrance of the chemistry classroom.

I could feel the false fire from the doorway melting at the protection blockade inside my head.

Laughter oozed from the class, light chatter of optimistic topics floating smoothly across the air. But they bounced off my newly constructed wall I’d built inside my head. I’d thought it would protect the last ties of my sanity, but I was already feeling the pain from isolation beating down upon me. The memories pressed violently against the walls, furious at being ignored, as fire threatened from the other side. The moments from the past swelled against my ears, muffling any sound.

Hastily I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip, and blood seeped treacherously into my mouth, leaving an iron tang. Yet my mission had worked, stifling the gasp that had leapt from my throat. I slammed my eyelids shut, blocking the one empty table in the classroom from my sight. Pay attention! I ordered myself. Focus! Don’t think about it, just words. The cracks began in the barricade, the tell-tale crunch echoing through my muted thoughts.