16 Letters

16 Letters : Letter #13

FOURTEEN

    “Dad!” Haley yelled from downstairs jolting me awake from my precious, yet restless night of sleep. “Dad!” I heard her voice again only a few short minutes later. It’s not always like this. She used to call me Daddy but today and for the past few months actually, I’ve been demoted to being her dad. I’ll be stuck with this for life I guess. I mean, there’s not really anything else she could call me. Unless. D maybe? Maybe. “Daddddd!” Haley yelled one last time. Or that.

    “Coming!” I called out, pulling on a clean shirt after having brushed my teeth and washed my face. The next couple of minutes felt like a complete blur. I should’ve gone as soon as Haley called me. Why didn’t I? It wouldn’t have changed a thing but that was the least I could do for Haley. It just tore me up inside, and from it I grieved deeply.

    Haley’s silent sobbing was the only thing I heard when I walked into the kitchen. Her cries were echoing through the silent kitchen on a quiet Tuesday morning. Squeep, our pet dog lay lifeless beside her and Haley was stroking his fur soothingly like she always does. “Haley its okay” I held Haley and she cried tears of complete and utter despair. Haley held Squeep’s paw and I looked at what used to be Squeep. Of course it wasn’t him anymore. He’s long gone now.

    Squeep has been a part of our family for far too long and it tears me up inside to see him lying lifeless on the kitchen floor like that. He wasn’t breathing anymore but he looked peaceful in his permanent rest. I knew he’d be okay. But, Haley wasn’t. Not now.

                                                               ***

   I can’t even begin to describe how upset my daughter looked when she got out of bed that evening. Earlier, I told her I’d take care of things and she just nodded in reply, locking herself in her room for the rest of the day. Squeep wasn’t just Haley’s pet, he was her first best friend and anyone who has a pet would know that a dog is an equivalent of a friend, more than that too sometimes.

    I held the shovel in my hands as I dug a hold six feet wide and six feet deep. We were in our back garden and it was just me, Haley and Noah. I moved Squeep’s body into the ground below and after we have said our goodbyes and tried our best to dry our stream of tears, I dropped the pile of dark soil on top of Squeep’s cold body silently whispering, “Bye buddy” as I did so.

    I almost felt as if I was burying my wife all over again. That day had felt like a million light years ago, but today I feel the exact numb feeling I had then. I wasn’t sad or angry. No, I definitely wasn’t that. But I couldn’t bring myself to be happy either. I knew Katie was happy where she is, but I just couldn’t smile. I just couldn’t. A cold numbness, that was all I felt. And at that time, that cold numbness helped calm me down a little. Tonight, it will too.

                                                                      ***

 Dear Dylan,

           Wherever you are right now, I hope you’d smile. No matter what you’re going through at this moment, I just hope you would. If you were truly happy right now, then good. It would then be of no problem for you to do so. But if you aren’t, then I hope smiling would help you. It wouldn’t change a thing but it might, just might, change how you feel. Know that I’ll be smiling with you and Haley. You can’t see me but you might, just might sense that I’m right here. I always have been, and I’ll always love the both of you.

 Love, Katie.