A Hopeless Journal for A Helpless Man

Chapter 5: Ros

Ros doesn't seem to be the loveliest person you'll ever meet. I hope nobody ever has the misfortune of encountering this man. But from the piles of bodies and bloody carcasses I had managed to spot around the camp, he seems to be a known man by an unlucky few. I don't know who he is, I don't know why he's here, and I don't know how he knows who I am. But I contain the fault. I hardly know the answers to these questions myself. I try to form inquiries, but I'm overflown with faults.

Faults. That has been my life in a nutshell recently and it seemed to be beforehand as well to say the least. This being a brief but highly adequate and seemingly accurate summary of my life. Fault after fault after fault. Everyday I just hope for change, for progress. However, my faults are permanent. Once one develops, another is created. Or when the first establishes, the second develops. When the second develops a third is born. Eventually, the number of faults exceed the number of cells I contain. To my misfortune, numbers are infinite, and so are faults.

Never have I experienced such an event. An event that makes everything that I have ever learned about being a sane human being vanish. I have never been wiped clean of my logic or sanity before. I feel empty yet overflowing and swollen, as if there's something building up inside, but leaving an empty hollow shell in the process. It's not rage or hope or revenge. It's pure panic. Complete rational thought processes destroyed and isolated into the crypts of my subconscious. My subconscious used to contain all my fears, terrors, nightmares, scars, and faults, and now it contains my sanity. The terrors run free throughout my mind, destroying it. They want to come out. They're clawing through the walls of my brain and piercing my skull, screaming and running and devastating. I've lost my mind and all it has turned to is a shell filled with awful terrors and a subconscious full of lost dreams and hopes.

Ros has been watching me carefully. From the looks of it, he's most likely wondering why I haven't struggled or panicked or even said a word. It's because I have, incomprehensibly understandable only by me. I am the definition of an anomaly. I've been watching him in between my intervals of lunacy. He's been watching me throughout his.

Ros is opening his mouth and gesturing towards me. I look forward to distract myself. He continues to take off my gag and untie me from the cage bars.

"Aaron, sea la madre, this is boring as shit. You have to learn to be a better captive. If you talk I won't kill you... Maybe cut your fingers, but not kill you."

"I still don't know who you are."

"Some secrets are best kept secrets, but I'm going to tell you anyway. You're not getting out alive so esta bien. Aaron, we are on an island... and it is a very dangerous island. You see, here there are lions and tigers and sharks, but there aren't any deer or goats or fish. The island can't live. So we search for other islands, with prey, but they run or hide or resist. This metaphor es una mierda... Seriously, be a better captive... (Pause, sigh) Aaron, the truth is that we all need to survive and in a hostile world you resort to hostile methods. You're here because of me. I need prey. I need money. I need bitches. I take what I need, but I protect what I want."

"You didn't take me. I woke up alone on a beach."

"¿Tu crees? Really? Oh well, I didn't know that... OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DID! I made fucking sure of it. We slave smugglers and traders get bored and so we decide to play games. We leave the victims stranded, monitor them, laugh at their doom. HA! You should've seen your fucking face mijo. Oh wait, aahh I'll shit myself... (uncontrolable chuckle followed by a pause) Then... after all of that we either come to them if they're going to die or maybe they come to us. I can't lose my precious cargo. Unfortunately, Aaron, you found me. I've never seen a goat step into a tiger's jaw, you fucking pendejo jajaja..."

"You caused all this? You fucked up asshole. I'm growing insane because of you! You..."

"GOOD! Feel what I feel everyday of my life. Uncontrollable yet rigorous madness. It's a part of me. You? You what pendejo? You ruined my life? Was that it? Well I did. You made my life better."

"You... piece of shit..."

"Now that's the captive I like. Mad. It's like poking a caged tiger with a stick... a sharp stick... while you prepare to blow his brains out. You're lucky you're you, Aaron. You're more fun than the others. I would've cut off all of their fingers by now if they would've said what you said. That's why I shut them up... Some with a gag... others with knives or guns or like that poor bastard over there... (points to a body chained to the wall)"

I followed the direction of Ros's finger. It led me to an awful sight. It was a naked man chained to the wall, missing both arms and legs, blindfolded and dead. He had three knives stuck in his chest. His eyes were scooped out and taped to his nipples. This man is insane.

"Impressive huh? You see what happens when you struggle. Hahaha he was stupid though. He thought he was fucking smart. Tried to take my gun away. Well, he did, but there's a reason I have knives. Pendejo de mierda pensó que podía ser un heroe. Cooperate Aaron... and this will be better for both of us. Hah no, es jodiendo, just me asshole."

"You're a monster..."

"May be... Who's the one in the cage though?"

He's right. I have no power, no nothing, I barely have a grasp on my sanity and life. I'm just one wrong move away from death. Why can't I just make the goddamn move and end this agony already? I can't though. I don't know why. I just can't. I have too many questions. My mind is revolting. There's no silence even when a word is not uttered. Only thoughts of panic and disaster prevail.