Ace of Hearts

The way, Viktoria saw it, there were three attractions: Aesthetic, Romantic and Sexual.

And she just didn't feel one of them.

The sexual one that is. Which created a few problems, even before she knew she was asexual.

Back in school Viktoria never understood the hype of having a crush. She never really had a crush but she knew her friends all had one (or more) and felt pressured into having one. So she made one up.

John was a nice guy. He wasn't what you'd call "hot" but he wasn't ugly- by no means! He was tall and had broad shoulders, but his nose was slightly hooked and he was really pale. He'd joined her class late and Viktoria had instantly kind of like the look of him and he was very nice, if a bit surprised when one of her friends just went straight up to him during break and introduced everyone.

When he'd arrived on his first day, his father had dropped him off - to Viktoria's great surprise because the man worked under her father, so she knew him. This connection to the boy, then landed her the role of buddy for John.

It didn't present any problems until she made up that crush on him to keep up with her friends.

Viktoria left her school and went to attend an all-girls' school abroad.

It was one of the hardest but most satisfactory decisions she had ever made in her life and although it was hard without her friends, she settled in just fine. She found new friends, good friends - best friends even - and she was happy.

But during the two years she spent at said school, her sexual orientation didn't even cross her mind. She was focused on her studies and friends. She knew she wasn't attracted to girls and she had set it in her head that she was (after all) attracted to men, so there were no distractions or discoveries made.

When she left school at 18 and went to attend university, she was in for a shock.

At first, everything seemed the same. She made friends and studied and had fun, but then she met a guy in the bar and they went on a date. The date ended at the front door of her accommodation and when the boy leaned in for a kiss, Viktoria panicked and hugged him instead.

She played it off as being nervous since it would've been her first kiss, but she knew that she just did not want to kiss the boy.

Her life continued without a hitch after that and the year, and her first semester at university, came and went before it happened.

She was asked out by a boy in her friend group, David. David was tall and quite good-looking, he could be a bit of an arse when drunk (or on a general basis) but she liked him. He was funny and she liked that. But again the relationship was rocky.

Viktoria grew anxious and insecure and David wasn't very confident either. Both of them virgins and one keener than the other, they went on several dates over the following semester but when the end of the semester came close, something had to happen.

They hadn't really gone passed any stages. They had kissed -yes and held hands on occasions but that was it. And Viktoria grew frustrated. She didn't know if it was her fault, but she grew weary around him and didn't want to kiss him, because she knew she didn't want to sleep with him.

And though she felt like she knew, she was unsure - like she was unsure of everything in her life.

What really rattled her mind was one night when their friends all sat together and just talked. Somehow the conversation had made a bee-line to sex and Viktoria admitted sheepishly that she had never -done anything. Literally anything sexual. she hadn't done it herself or had anything done to her and the room was shocked.

Viktoria grew anxious and insecure again and began to turn away slightly but her friends drew her out again.

So when summer came, Viktoria told David that a break over summer would be the best course of action. She wasn't sure what she was feeling and she didn't want him to feel obligated in any way.

And so they parted ways over summer, promising to talk when they met again in September.

Summer came and went and Viktoria had found an article about asexuality. The more she read the more she realised that this -this was her.

She didn't want sex, and not because she was weird or because something was wrong with her, but because that's just how she was; the thought had her stomach curling and her mind reeling. And unexpected wave of relief flooded her body and she felt lighter somehow.

It felt silly - this happiness, lightness of body and mind and at first she didn't tell anyone. Then she messaged one of her friends as stupid and weird as she felt about "coming out".

The first to know was her friend Jen, who was studying abroad as well, but on the other side of the world. She took it like any other thing that Viktoria had told her over the years that they'd known each other. It wasn't a big deal.

So Viktoria told her sister and a few other friends.

But she did not tell her parents.

For some reason the prospect of telling them (though she knew that they'd be just fine with it) was daunting. Her mother always spoke of grandchildren and Viktoria worried about how she would take the news. Her father -she had no idea how he would react. He wasn't a very talkative man, mostly at work but he was a good father and she loved both him and her mother very much.

She still felt that "coming out" was unnecessary and usually it just happened in casual conversations with her friends. No one ever said anything negative, some of her friends found it cool even and she usually just laughed. There was nothing cool about it - it was just her.

When she went back to university, the prospect of David started looming over her again and they talked as soon as possible.

He didn't really care that Viktoria was asexual but he did tell her that he didn't want to be in a relationship after the summer. It had nothing to do with her specifically (so he said), it was just that he didn't want a relationship.

Viktoria was fine with that -she knew that he was a very sexual person, so she hadn't kept her hopes up. She was expecting the end of that chapter.

Now she laughs at the jokes her friends make and shakes her head when one of them tries to set her up with someone. She glares when her friends look at her weird when she says someone is attractive. But it's not like she's blind now is it?

She can see when a person is attractive or not. She does want a relationship and she wants someone to cuddle and kiss. She wants all that is a normal relationship, just... minus the sex part.

That's not too hard to understand is it?