Always With Me

Chapter 1

A/N Just wanted to let you know that this is the sequel to my other story 'Forever Faithful.' In case you are feeling confused at this point please read that story first. There isn't really a need to, however, because in the next few chapters I will be explaining a lot from the last story. Thanks for reading xx.

Chapter 1

"For this moment in time I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today." The tears stung my eyes as I sang the last few words of the song that broke my heart.

"You did good mate," Louis encouraged as he clapped my back with his hand and we walked down the hallway backstage. "I know it hurts, but you did good." He hurried up ahead of me, knowing I was in no mood to talk.

Walking to my dressing room seemed nearly impossible. I felt as if the hallway was spinning, I couldn't tell where I was going. As I stumbled down the hall way and saw the clean white walls I couldn't help but thing about being in the hospital with Caitlyn and seeing the same white walls. They looked like a bright blur, almost like a bright light. The light that you hear people say you see when you're about to die. I pressed my hand up against the wall to help guide me down the hall.

A wave a relief came over me as I was able to make it to my dressing room before the tears poured out of my eyes. I locked the door behind me, making it so nobody would disturb me.

I collapsed on the couch and leaned my elbows on my knees, and covered my eyes with my hands. I felt like I couldn't breathe, it felt like I was being stabbed right in my heart. I guess that's why they call it heart break.

I missed her, I missed her so much. Caitlyn didn't deserve to die. She was such a good person. Why do all of the horrible things happen to the people who least deserve it? What did I do to deserve the love of my life to die?

"Damn it," I huffed under my breath. I got up of the couch in a hurry, trying to find anything that I could. I rushed over to my bag sitting on the table, looking for my razor. "It had to come down to this," I sobbed quietly to myself. "Ah fu--," I pulled one of the blades out and was about to press it down to my wrist. I paused for a moment. I've been having the thoughts of bringing the blade to my wrist for a long time, but I never bring myself to actually do it. This time felt different somehow. I wanted to do it. Luckily, there was a knock at the door.

"Harry, you almost ready to go? We need to get back on the road," I heard Liam's concerned voice behind the door.

I stumbled through the room to let him in. "Yeah, I'm almost ready. Just need to finish packing a few more things up."

I didn't look Liam in the eyes as I spoke to him. I couldn't. Ever since Caitlyn died I haven't been able to really talk to anyone.

"Hey, are you doing all right?" Liam put a gentle and to my shoulder.

"Yeah, fine," I lied. "Why do you ask?" I questioned sniffing back the tears.

"It's just, I noticed you were more upset that usual singing Moments tonight. And you keep drifting further away from me and the rest of the boys. I just wanted to know."

"Well, I'm fine," I snapped. "Now leave, I'll be out in a minute. I'll meet you on the bus."

"Fine. Just hurry up. I'm ready to get home."

Liam rolled his eyes as he left the room. I couldn't bring myself to say it to him, but I was really grateful that he came into the room when he did. I've never cut before, but the pain was just so horrible that I would have done anything to take my mind off of Caitlyn.

I picked my razor back up and examined it. It somehow looked completely different now that I thought of it as a way to clear my mind. The best thing for me was to just throw it in the trash, and I did.

I looked down at the tool and said, "Caitlyn would never want to see me cut. She was strong when she was struggling with cancer. I need to stay strong. Because of her."

I did a lot of things now because of Caitlyn. I got tattoos because of Caitlyn, to help keep my memories of her alive. I wrote more music now because of her. I donated loads of money to cancer research every month because I didn't want another person to go through what I did. Everything I did now was because of Caitlyn.

I grabbed my bag and made my way down the hall and out to the bus. Along the way I got lots of sympathetic looks and sorry smiles shot my way. I passed many people saying, "You did good" and "it's alright. You ok?"

Everybody, even people I've never met before knew that I wasn't over Caitlyn. After my tweet that Caitlyn had died people have been treating me different, which wasn't helping me get over her. I couldn't blame them, though. They were just trying to help.

I was relieved when what felt like the longest walk of my life but was really only a few minutes was finally over and I was at my bus. I composed myself enough to take pictures with a few fans who all told me that they were sorry for my loss. Even though it was weird hearing it, I didn't mind my fans telling me they were sorry. Near the end they were really supportive of Caitlyn and me together.

I walked up the few stairs of the bus and took the open seat on the couch next to Louis. I places my bag on the ground next to me, leaned me head back and shut my eyes. After a few minutes of being on the bus I could still feel the cold stairs of my band member's eyes.

I didn't even bother to open mine before I said, "Why are you all staring at me?"

No response. You could literally feel the tension in the room beginning to rise.

"Whatever," I mumbled to myself.

"We're just worried about you, Harry," Niall stepped up. "It's been a year and a half and you're still not the same. We just want to old Harry back."

"The old Harry. That's funny. Because what made me who I was is now gone. No wonder I'm not the same," I snapped sarcastically.

"Harry we are just trying to help. How is this suppose to get any better if you don't talk about it with anyone and you just sit alone all the time?" Liam put in.

"Talking about Caitlyn isn't going to make her come back. There is nothing you can say or do to make this any better, so what would be the point in doing that?"

"Because we might be able to make you feel better," Zayn added. "You've just been keeping to yourself since she passed and that's clearly not helping you."

"But like I said, talking about it won't do shit."

"We get that it hurts, Harry. But it's been over a year. I mean don't hate us for thinking that things would be better with you after a year," Louis added.

"You've never lost someone the way I lost Caitlyn. None of you have. You just don't understand."

"Well then help us to," Zayn inquired. "We're trying to help you here, mate. We can't help you if you won't talk to us."

"No just forget it," I shot back.

"Harry, we're just trying to help," Liam pleaded.

"I said forget it."

I got up from the couch and made my way over towards out bunks. I was done with talking to them. They would never understand what it's like to lose the most important person in your life.

I covered my eyes with my arms. "Caitlyn," I whispered. "I really wish you were here right now or at least were able to tell me what to do. I can't--I can't stop thinking about you." The tears started rolling down my face. "Why god, why did you have to take her away from me?"

I wiped my eyes off on the neck of my t-shirt. Everything was just so complicated. Nobody understood how I was feeling, I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about how I was feeling, and the only person who knew how to talk to me and how to get me to talk back when I was feeling like this wasn't here. Caitlyn. She always knew just what to say to help me.

I knew one thing that was for sure, I had never been more excited to see a tour be over. I just wanted to be home and be by myself where nobody was there to try and make me get over Caitlyn. It wasn't going to happen.