whole ➳ remadora

Chapter Eleven

Remus

"W-what?" She whispered, her hair turning ice white. Her hands trembled, her eyes widened. Tears swam into them, and worse of all, I saw the fear in her eyes more than ever before.

"Since I was four." I nodded sheepishly, already regretting telling her. I knew it was the end; she was going to leave me, she was going to fear me and keep her distance. But I knew that if I truly loved her, I should let her go.

"Wh-why didn't you tell me?" She said, her voice cracking and her cheeks wet with tears.

"I was scared-" I started the perfectly rehearsed script I repeated in my head more than a million times but I never got to finish.

"It can't be-" Tonks cried; she looked mad. Her hair was changing colors fast, mostly blank ones, from white to black to brown to red, her eyes were unnaturally widened yet tears were streaming from them. She was walking around herself, muttering, opening her mouth to speak but nothing coming out, staring at me for a second and then sobbing harder. Seeing how miserable she looked made me feel a great amount of disgust towards myself; I've never asked for any of these burdens.

"See? This is why we can't be together. Not just me being a werewolf, all of this. Look at you! I caused you this! And I'll probably make you cry and hurt you, both physically and mentally. I can't allow myself to do this to you! I'm selfish, I love you! I never wanted to but I could never help it! Seeing you walk happily and brightly, positivity radiating from you, gave me hope that I wasn't supposed to have! I don't deserve your love nor anything good! Please Tonks, this is for you. I'm so sorry. I just can't."

I was crying. My body was shaking and so was hers. I couldn't dare look at her eyes, I felt so bad. My disgust with myself took over me this time.

"Remus, please." Her voice came out as a pleading croak. Tears were falling down her cheeks, making my heart ache, "You're whole to me."

The words sounded too beautiful in my ears to be real. I'm not whole. Whatever she said, or anyone said, I'm not whole, I'll never be. This curse will always stick to me, causing me and others pain. I'd rather be dead.

"You are scared of me."

"No, no, no. Baby, I'm not." She held my hand but I flinched away, although a chill made its way down my spine.

I sighed. "Don't lie to me. Admit it, trust me, I'm used to it." Shrugging, I started to make my way away from her, not really knowing what to say or do anymore, but she held my arm more firmly this time, sticking me to the ground.

"I'm scared for you not from you, you idiot." She said, a tiny hint of a smile on the corner of her lips.

"Don't start on this-"

"I'm scared for you. You have been dealing with this since you were a baby. It hurts to watch someone you love suffer Remus, and you've been suffering for ages. The stress you're dealing with can actually kill. You don't deserve this."

"No one deserves this!" I yelled so loudly, that probably the entire floor heard. "Especially you!"

"We'll work it out, Remus. We'll move on with this, together, we'll manage!" Tonks smiled desperately and for a moment I hoped, I really hoped I could just allow myself, I really hoped I could take the risk.

"Your positivity is rather silly right now." I said stubbornly, but a smile made its way to my face. Maybe I can really allow myself some love.

She was smiling too herself, "You need support on this, you need me, your friends and your family, you can't work it all out alone. I'm ready for this okay? I'll take the risk."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, there's a lot to tell you about the werewolf thing now. And I'll need James, Sirius and Peter on this."

"Let's worry about that later." She really smiled for the first time in a while, that old bright smile of hers, and her hair was slowly turning that old shade of pink from the roots. I found myself smiling, although guilt still filled me, I guess I can adapt with it. Our relationship may work, it may not, but I know just one thing; she's happy and that's what matters.

Tonks grabbed me from my collar and leaned in, smirking. "Now kiss me you fool."

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