whole ➳ remadora

Chapter Eight

Nymphadora

I forgot the book, I hysterically thought as I got out of the library. How can I possibly be this clumsy? What would Remus think if he found out I was reading that kind of book? What would Remus think if he knew I suspected him a dark creature? It was no good.

I hated how all my questions lead to one answer, and one answer only; Remus is a werewolf. It was driving me crazy. It didn't fit perfectly, but it was possible. His nickname was Moony, but it may be just another pointless nickname like 'Prongs' or 'Padfoot'. He always disappears during the full moon but it may be just a coincidence. But he thinks he's too dangerous to be in a relationship, and I had no other answer for that one.

But did it really matter to me? No. I loved Remus when I thought he was whole, and even though he may not be, it's not enough to make me stop loving him. Although it made me a bit anxious, I didn't worry much about me, I worried about him. He's not okay.

But once again, it's only a thought. A Guide to Dark Creatures and their Habitats wasn't accurate at all and it was probably written by a half-breed hater. They kept telling how werewolves are unworthy filthy cursed creatures that deserve nothing but death, how they threaten our existence, how they are barbaric and uncontrollable, how they're originally Dark Wizards who want to kill Muggle-borns. It was rather stupid.

Sighing, I made my way to the Hufflepuff basement, having absolutely no appetite for lunch nor wanting to attend Charms. Remus would be there and it would be awkward as ever, but then I can't avoid him for ever. Gathering up some courage, I took a deep breath and made my way to the Great Hall. If I've to face him anyway, the sooner the better.

Remus was sitting alone in the Gryffindor table, his head between his hands. Apparently everyone else left. I made my way slowly towards him, then sat beside him quietly. He glanced at me, and then without any warning or sign, he broke down into tears. I didn't know what to say, or what to conclude; was he crying because he is in fact a werewolf, or just because he hated how I suspected him?

"Remus I-" I tried, but my tongue was sort of tied. The bell rang, but Remus' sobs were still audible and his body was still shaking. I placed a hand on his shoulder but he flinched his body away from me.

"Don't." He muttered, his face redder than ever and a few tears still making their way out of his green eyes.

"It's okay, alright? I don't care." I smiled slightly, trying to be supportive, but Remus looked rather lost and confused.

"What is okay?" He asked, looking up at me, drying his face with his sleeve.

"You know what I'm talking about." I said quietly, trying to force a smile. Remus still looked like he has no clue what I'm talking about it which made me feel even more anxious.

"What?"

"Wait, why are you crying?" I asked, startled at how Remus was so lost. Is my theory nothing but something my mind made up and has no sign of existence?

"I'm just stressed." He shrugged, moving a hand through his almost blond curls.

"Only stressed?"

Remus nodded, his brows furrowed, "Yes. Is there something else I should be upset about or something?"

"Wait, are you serious?"

"What's going on with you?" Remus snapped, finally facing me, looking more serious than ever.

"Are- are you- ugh, are you a werewolf?" I asked bluntly, not able to contain my suspicious nor his confused attitude.

He looked dumbstruck for a moment, his eyebrows raised and his lips trembled,"What made you think so?" He whispered, his voice coming out hoarsely and his eyes glossy once more.

"Nothing, it's just-"

"Do you really think, do you really think so low of me?" Remus breathed, his bottom lip trembling and his voice cracking.

"What?! No-"

"I can't believe you." He whispered, his voice barely audible.

"Remus, it's just-"

"You know what? I don't even know why I care so much." He snapped in my face, almost spitting the words.

"Remus! Listen! Even if you were, it wouldn't change anything. You'd still be the same Remus I've always known-"

"Shut up!" He yelled furiously, his face covered in hot brimming tears.

I got up, my face hot. "Why are you so rude to me?!"

Remus stood up, and since he's much taller, it was like he was towering over me. "Why are you so suspicious about me?!"

"I just can't understand why you don't want to be with me!" I snapped, my body shaking with anger.

"Maybe I just don't like you anymore!" Remus snapped, blinking rapidly.

"I know perfectly well you do, Remus! Stop treating me like I'm brainless!"

"It's complicated, Nymphadora! You'd never understand!" He turned around and leaned his hands on the table, his chest raising up and down rapidly.

"Help me then! I told you, I can't take this anymore!"

"Just forget about me then!"

"I can't, Remus!"

"Try harder!"

"I hate you!" I screamed, but the look on his face made me regret the words as soon as they came out of my lips. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Remus looked blank, disbelieving. His lips trembled more than ever, all the color drained out of his face, his eyes looked bloodshot and he stared at me so sadly that I found myself crying.

After long moments of silence, Remus picked up his books off the table, and said quietly. "Just stay out of my way."

"Remus, I-"

"I said stay out of my way!" He screamed, tears leaking out of his eyes and pushing me slightly.

"I didn't mean to-" I started, but Remus made his way in front of me, taking quick steady steps, but when he reached the giant door of the Great Hall, I saw his body shake and a loud sob echoed the empty halls.

I stared blankly around, guilt filling every inch of my body, tears falling on my shirt; I wanted to slap myself, to hurt myself, to just feel as much pain as I caused him, so maybe the guilt would go away, but I knew that whatever I do or say, I'm gonna regret this moment till my death.

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