I'm not sure exactly how long it's been, probably two weeks, or three. I stopped keeping track in all honesty. After the third day time just slowly started to melt together, like the reese's Mom left in the car. I will say this here and now, it's hot in Arizona. It's so blazing hot I felt like I might just die. It's one of those heats where you feel like the sun has fallen from the sky, and crashed into your backyard, burning all of the trees, setting you on fire. Okay, maybe I'm just overreacting, but I swear to God it was hot as the flames of Hell.
All we were doing there was helping my grandmother prepare to move, but for me, the weird, ultra-spiritually-sensitive child, it was more of a soul search than a chore. There was really nothing to do there, it was an old ladies' house afterall, so I took what pleasure I could from a small notepad and a pencil. I drew people I could see in the sky, I wrote their stories, what they told me at least. Some of them are still such a mystery, like Ethello the drunk. The only side of him I ever see is the inappropriate lug, being profusely beat by Exodus.
And then you have Evangelon.
My dear Evangelon.
He's so open to me. He tells me the truth. He tells me what I need to hear, not what I want. He's the best friend I could ever have asked for, and I've never met him in person. He exists in my head.
I pace over the thought that he could exist, but then I get trampled on by my friends and family when I open up the gates of my beliefs. They'll never believe me. I don't understand why they pretend to think I'm sane. I can see it in their eyes. The way they shift and squirm inside their skin every time I say something remotely serious. I suppose that's why I'm sharing my thoughts to people who have never seen my face, who might never see my face. This way I won't be condemned.This way I'll be safe.
This way I can follow God's orders and still breathe.
There's somewhere I need to go. Something I need to find. A key if you will. Evangelon is helping me search, and is keeping me safe. He's my true support system. He's my true family, in Arizona I found this.
In that bloody, hot Hell-hole.
I realized that no one will ever truly understand, that I have to keep my thoughts inside my head, but I can't live that way! Who could live in a prison of their own mind? Is it just me, or is that the true Hell? I mean, yes Arizona was dreadful but can it really compare to the delusion of my mind? I think not. I'd much rather be stuck in Arizona with my cranky grandmother than be forever locked inside my mind. Alas, here I am, stuck in my head.
Even after I've escaped Arizona, this hell will follow me home. Even after I've turned out the lights, recited my prayers, sang lullabies to the monsters beneath my bed, and burrowed under my comforter, the hell inside my head will linger.
It's true. We've taken the drive back to this frostbitten town, and still God asks things of me. I'm not alarmed. He's become such a comfort to me. He knows about him. He has the secrets to how I can find him. And he's what I need so much.
Welcome back, Ella, to your cold little town. To your broken home. Welcome back to the hell inside your head. Welcome back to the labrynth of your mind. This field calls to you, this forest haunts you. Your mind whispers to you, doesn't it? It begs you to come in. Do you? It can grant all of your wishes, it can give you anything you want. There is one thing it cannot do, though. It cannot replace the memories you have.
Do you enter? Or do you walk away? What's the point of having your dreams come true when you're still cursed to remember the one person you'd want to share it with?
I still don't know... Maybe Evangelon will answer me.
