Paper Wishes (#1)

Chapter Ten: In Between

It had been about two weeks of me secretly commuting to Nox's apartment, going to school, coming home and cooking dinner for Kai, then repeating the cycle. I was a walking cocktail of feelings - guilt, happiness, exhaustion. I couldn't decide whether I should move in with Nox or not, and at the same time I couldn't bring myself to tell Kai I was staying elsewhere at night.

I told Nox that I needed to take the weekend to spend time with Kai, not just because I needed to give him an answer about moving in with him, but because Kai and I needed to spend time together. Nox was disappointed, but he understood.

I knocked on Kai's bedroom door gently. "Are you awake? I wanted to talk to you, if you have time."

His response was quiet, but I understood that he said I could come in. I walked in and sat on the bed next to him.

"Kai... I'm sorry."

He reached out and held my hands. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't talk to your best friend, to be honest with me."

Hot tears filled my eyes. "I'm really sorry."

"I know you haven't been sleeping at home, and that you've been putting on this façade - this act, for what, for my benefit, Vilv? We were finally getting back to a place where things seemed normal."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about today," I interjected before he could continue.

"Kai," I gave his hands a gentle squeeze to reassure him, "you're the most important person in my life, and I know that I haven't been treating you that way. I withdrew from you when I was mourning, and when things started getting better between us I entered into a relationship and that drove a wedge between us. I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel. I love you, maybe not in the way that you want, but still with all my heart and I hope that will count for something..."

He smiled at me, but it was a sad smile. "It does."

The tears that had filled my eyes were pouring over now. "I hated being dishonest with you, and I truly am sorry. I want to tell you everything. I'll tell you everything you want to know, but you might think I'm crazy when I do."

"Vilv, you could tell me the moon was made out of cheese, and I'd believe you," he said earnestly, the sincerity of his words reflected in his eyes. If he doubted me, his face certainly didn't show it.

"Kai..., thank you." There was nothing else I could say in response. Although it wasn't something I was proud of, I had to admit to myself that Kai had always been a better friend to me than I had been to him. Never intentionally, of course, he was just... better.

"So," he said, "tell me everything."

And I did. I told him about how I'd felt hollow and small after my mom had passed away, about my ritual of folding the origami stars to get through each day. I told him about my dreams - the ones with Nox in them - and how suddenly, one day, he became real. I came clean about how I'd been sneaking over to Nox's apartment in a misguided attempt to not disrespect him by having Nox sleep in our house. I spared no detail, and when I was done I felt lighter, unburdened by the guilt I'd been carrying.

To his credit Kai listened without interrupting, his handsome face was smooth and unperturbed. When I was done he sat in silence for a minute or two before putting his arms around me and giving me a big hug. "I didn't know that you were so lonely."

I rested my head on his shoulder. "It was difficult for me, to put into words how I felt. With Nox, he... he just knew everything. I'm sorry I didn't know how to talk to you about everything."

"It's okay...Vilv, when I told you that I love you, I meant it in every way possible. I really love you, and that means that your happiness comes first before anything else for me - even my own happiness. Got it?"

I wiped the tears off my face as I nodded. "I can't believe you, Kai."

He raised an eyebrow, obviously confused.

"How can anyone be so wonderful? You're a better friend than I deserve."

Kai sighed, visibly relieved. He kissed the top of my head as he released me from his embrace. "I will always be here for you, and ... er... I'm sorry I was so unfriendly to Nox. Competition, you know?"

I gently punched his shoulder. "No blood, no foul, right?" Kai laughed as reached out and rubbed the last of my tears away, "I think that saying is only applicable toward violence. Although I can't say I didn't think about slugging him for being so smug."

"Kai!"

"I'm kidding!"

"Seriously though, you are handling all of this really well," I said softly.

"It's not that my feelings aren't a little hurt, but I'd trust you with my life and I love you more than I love myself, so why wouldn't I believe you?" He paused, a thoughtful look on his face, "We both know that everything sounds far-fetched but you know, Vilv, I wasn't kidding when I said I'd believe you if you told me the moon was made out of cheese."

"The moon is definitely not made of cheese, because if it was I would have built a spaceship and flown there with a box of club crackers."

Kai rolled his eyes. "Baka."

"Hey!"

"Well, you are!" he laughed, as he flashed me a toothy grin. "On a serious note, though, I appreciate you trying to consider my feelings by not bringing Nox around, but I don't ever want you to feel like you can't stay in your own home."

I tilted my head slightly, not sure if he was trying to get at something.

"What I'm trying to say that if Nox makes you happy and you're committed to being with him, then he's welcome to come over. Anyone who is truly important to you is important to me, too."

I knew how difficult it must have been for Kai to welcome Nox into our home, especially considering his feelings. As I pondered that thought, Kai spoke again.

"I'm serious - I'd rather you both here than have you sneaking out at night. It's not easy for me to rest when I'm not sure where you are or if you're safe."

"I promise," I said, putting one hand up like I was making a pledge, "nothing but honesty from now until forever."