infatuation // m.h

21

(A/N: Sorry for not updating babes ahh! But Love Me is great and this book is still continuing! This chapter was sad to write, but I think the next one will be even more sad. Tell me what you think of the story so far x)

Time wasn't important to Matty and I, it seemed.

We drove around at two in the morning and slept at one in the afternoon.

We smoked and drank at ten in the morning and showered in the middle of the day.

There wasn't routine, there wasn't structure.
There wasn't a schedule or plan. We just smoked and drank and lived and loved and talked and spent every day together.

I knew that we probably wouldn't end up together in the long run.
I knew that we'd probably fight and break up or someone would die. It scared me. I was so obsessed with him, and couldn't imagine life without him. But at the same time, I couldn't imagine Matty ever getting married or having kids.

It was almost laughable - imagining Matty with kids, changing nappies and going to bed early.

We didn't talk about this sort of stuff. We never talked about the future. We never talked about having kids or getting married.
I knew he didn't want that, I knew he just wanted the sex, drugs and rock n roll lifestyle.

I did want to get married and have kids, but not for a while.
A part of me wanted to ask Matty about all this just to see how he reacted, but I knew he wasn't in the right headspace for that.

We woke up at three in the afternoon.
I woke up to find Matty with his bags packed.
"I have to go. I need to go home." He said, pacing the room.
"Okay," I said, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "We'll go."
"You don't have to go if you don't want to." Matty said quietly, looking at the floor.
"No. I'm coming with you." I said, scrambling out of bed.
"Thank you." Matty whispered, wrapping his arms around my waist and placing a kiss on my forehead.

I packed a bag for a few days. We were on the next flight to Manchester airport.

I knew Matty hated flying. It made him nervous. His hand was latched to mine through the entire flight. When we took off his hand gripped my thigh and I kissed his cheek, trying to calm him down a little bit. Matty exhaled through gritted teeth.
"It's okay. We'll be there before you know it. I love you." I said.
Matty's hand squeezed mine and he seemed to calm down.

Once we landed - after Matty's hand grabbing mine in a nervous death grip - we collected our bags and caught a cab to Matty's mother's house.
"I'm sorry I dragged you here." Matty said quietly while we sat in the back of the cab together.
"You didn't drag me here. I want to be with you." I said.
"I wish it was under better circumstances." Matty mumbled.
"I know. I'm sorry, Matty. But I'm here. And you don't have to hold it in, okay? Cry, scream, punch a wall. But don't hold it in. It kills you." I said.
Matty nodded tiredly, I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested his head on the top of my head.
"I love you so much." He mumbled as he drifted off.
Matty's Mum lived in a giant old house a few hours away from the airport. We had a fair bit of a drive ahead of us. I watched the street lights rush past the car window in blurs and swirls. The sun was setting and dusk was surrounding us, sucking the colour from the air. Stars were peeking out from behind the cloud cover.
The cab driver stayed silent, and Matty slept.
It was moments like these that reminded me how much I loved Matty - soft and vulnerable and quiet and beautiful.

"Nikki. Wake up. We're here." Matty whispered, nudging me. I'd drifted off.
Matty paid the driver and insisted on carrying my suitcase to the door, even though I was perfectly capable. I smiled.

We knocked on the door and Denise opened it, smiling. I could see she'd been crying.
"Hi, Mum." Matty said.
"Hi, love." She said, enveloping Matty in a hug.
"Hi, Denise," I said. Denise smiled and hugged me as well. "I'm so sorry." I whispered as her arms were wrapped around me.
She sobbed, only after making sure Matty was out of earshot. She wanted to be strong for him.
"I'm sorry, love. I just miss him so much." Denise apologised, wiping her eyes. Matty had gone upstairs to put our bags in the spare bedroom.
"Don't be sorry," I said instantly, patting her arm. "It's okay to cry."
Denise nodded, wiped her eyes, then turned to enter the kitchen. I saw her stop for a short second at a family photo of her and the boys.
"Dinner will be ready in a half an hour. You guys go get settled." Denise instructed.

I went upstairs to find Matty. I saw him sitting on the edge of the double bed with his elbows resting on his knees, and his hands covering his face. He didn't know I was up here yet. I heard him sob.
"It's my fault." I heard him say quietly. I bit my lip. I could see how much this was killing him. His little brother, the one he'd grown up with. The one he was so protective over. It was tearing him up inside.
"Babe," I said quietly, coming to sit next to him. Matty jolted in shock, and wiped his eyes. 

When he was sober, he didn't cry. He didn't show emotion easily, he concealed it.
When he was drunk, he was as transparent as glass. 

"Hey." Matty mumbled. His eyes didn't meet mine, he stared down at the floor.
"Dinner's in a half an hour. Why don't you go have a shower? It'll make you feel better after being on the plane." I said, rubbing his back.
Matty sighed, nodding. He disappeared into the bathroom and I didn't leave until I heard the taps go on. I went downstairs to find Denise staring into space blankly, chopping carrots.
"Denise?" I called. She hadn't heard me. I waved my hand in front of her face and she snapped back to life.
"Sorry. Distracted." She said quickly, going back to chopping vegetables.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her. She sniffled and wiped her eyes again.
"I miss him so much, Nikki." She cried. I wrapped my arms around her and rubbed her back. 
"I'm so sorry all of this happened." I whispered.
"It's my fault. I let him go out that night. But we'd been fighting. I didn't want him to go out, and he did, and we were arguing and he went out anyway. Now he'd dead. My baby." Denise sobbed into my shoulder.
"You couldn't have known this was going to happen, Dee." I said quietly.
"I could have stopped him." She said weakly, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry." I said, feeling myself tear up. But I promised I wouldn't cry, I had to be strong for everyone. Tomorrow was going to be hard.
"I'm sorry, love. I'll be right." Denise said, wiping her tears away and going back to preparing dinner. 
"What can I help with?" I asked. 

I helped Denise prepare dinner while Matty showered. We made small talk. We avoided the topic of tomorrow, the funeral. I knew tomorrow was going to be heartbreaking for everyone, especially Matty.
"He's been in the shower a while, would you go check on him?" Denise asked me.
I nodded and went upstairs. I could hear the shower still running. Then I saw Matty, a towel wrapped around his waist. He had a credit card in one hand and a baggy of white powder in the other. He leaned down to snort the line...

"Matty!" I whisper-shouted before he could. I didn't want his Mum to hear us, for her sake. She had enough to worry about.
He whipped around to meet my eyes. He looked so sad, with tears falling down his cheeks. I ran towards him and pulled him away from the bathroom sink. The credit card fell from his hand and the bag fell with it.
"Matty, stop." I said. I was so worried about him. We stood, hugging, on the other side of the bathroom. 
"I'm sorry, I just - I -" He stuttered, more tears falling.
"It's okay," I said, wrapping my arms around his torso. "It's alright." I said while he buried his head in the crook of my neck and sobbed quietly.
"I miss him, Nik. He shouldn't be dead." Matty said. 
"I know. I know. It's okay. I know it hurts." I soothed him, rubbing his back and running my fingers through his hair. I knew how he felt, losing someone so close to you. My Mum left my Dad and I when I was fifteen, and we found out she wrapped her car around a tree three weeks later. Some people say it was an accident, some people say she wanted to kill herself.
It hurt like hell, but I got better. It still hurts, but you learn to live with it.
"I love you. Thank you for being here, I don't think I could do this without you here." Matty said, placing a soft kiss on my neck.
"It's okay. I love you. We really need to go downstairs now, though. Your Mum was starting to worry about you." I said quietly.
Matty nodded. He got dressed and followed me, hand in hand, downstairs.

(A/N: Oh and whoops in this story Denise is single, just clearing that up)