Edward, I hate you! Jacob, Get A Darn Haircut!

Edward, the White Swan.

‘BELLA…HAS NO…RIGHT!’ Edward yelled, slamming his once fluffy cushion against the edge of his door. Cotton and feathers from it were flying everywhere and made Edward look like a snow man for he was covered in white. The cotton camouflaged very well with his pale skin.

‘Stop it Edward, stoop!’ cried Alice, who was sneezing wildly for she was allergic to all kinds of feathery stuff.

‘ALICE YOU DON’T GET IT! BELLA…DUMPED…ME!’ Edward shouted to a red-nosed Alice who suspiciously had started to resemble Rudolf. ‘I mean… who can resist…THIS?’ he said, thrusting a finger at his chest. ‘We vampires are like wine you know… the older we get the better!’

‘Look…atchoo! … It’s Bella’s choice, respect it! Oh for goodness sake, KEEP THE PILLOW DOWN!’ Alice retorted.

‘But, but…’ Edward trailed off, his lower lip quivering and tears threatening to burst.

Alice wiped her nose on the sleeve of her quirky white top and edged closer to Edward to give him a hug but at the end thought against it for he looked like Black Swan, only a much whiter version. Instead she chose to awkwardly pat him on the back as he slumped onto the couch in his room.

‘I’ve always wanted to ask Edward, why do you have a couch in your room. I mean, we don’t even sleep’ Alice asked softly sitting beside him.

‘I don’t know Alice! What kind of a stupid question is that! You have known me for what- sixty years- and NOW is the time to ask?’ Edward said and his voice rose.

‘There is no need to shout’ Alice replied quietly.  ‘Come… we’ll do catch a deer for dinner or something. Or would you fancy a nice big elephant? I could toss in some of those mackerel remains from yesterday and make you a de-li-cious salad if you want.’ She licked her lips and the thought and a drop of drool came running down her chin.

‘Alice, your manners.’ Edward reminded her, clearly disgusted by her lack of being able to control her thoughts.

He had just seen in Alice’s mind, her dancing around a monstrous elephant, singing ‘Friday’ by Rebecca Black and dancing like a cheerleader. The scene then moved to her opening the fridge and pulling out a dish of sliced mackerel, still covered in its delicious blood sneakily, popping one into her mouth.

The fact that Bella had called her child an elephant only made matters worse.

‘Sorry.’ She mumbled. ‘So big appetite? Up for some big game hunting?’

‘Not today Alice. I really don’t know how you manage to stay so cheerful all day.’

‘I haven’t told you for half a century Edward.’ Alice sighed, ‘then why would I tell you now?’

‘Oh, I don’t know- because I fucking suffering through a break up maybe?’

‘Edward, don’t take that tone with me’ Alice warned.

‘I- I know… I’m sorry. It’s just I gave Bella her child you know!’ Edward moaned, ‘and she calls it an elephant!!’

‘Uh-oh, I just lost my appetite.’

‘What…what are you…oh yeah; you were thinking of doing a jig with an elephant and then swallowing it up, weren’t you?’

‘Noo…’ Alice mumbled. She sighed and thought ‘this was not going to go anywhere.’

‘I heard that.’ Edward said quietly.

She took his arm and pulled him out of him bed. It was like hauling a grizzly bear. ‘Gosh, he’s so hairy’ she thought, but quickly regretted it for he gave her a stern look.

‘Okay Ed-ward Cullen, you know what you’re gonna do? You-’

‘I will NOT come hunting with you Bella. You jump around too much. You scare all the animals away.’

‘I wasn’t going to suggest that!’ Alice said hastily, clearly offended.

‘Then what’s your oh-so-brilliant plan?’

‘We’re going to see Bella of course!’