The Persistence of Memory

Chapter Twenty Four

I walk from room to room checking for any pieces of myself which I may have left here in this place we'd called home. My bags are in a small mountainous pile by the door ready to be taken tomorrow.  I hadn't wanted to move them out from the bedroom until Oliver had gone to work. It felt cruel and cold somehow. Him having step over them on his way to work this morning seemed like some final act of unkindness.

Bizarrely, from the moment we both recognised that our marriage was over it was as though a dam had burst and all of our thoughts and feelings had flowed freely. We had connected, finally. We had talked more in the last three days than the entire three years we'd been married. My head was a mess, as was his, but now he knew me. In the last dying days of our marriage he had gotten his wish; he truly, finally, knew who I was.

I'm not sure if that's irony or something else entirely.

My final appointment with Esther had been rescheduled to today after Oliver suggested we remain out at the lake house and try and 'talk' some more. He wanted to figure out if there was anything between us left to save or work on. I think deep down he knew there wasn't but as with everything he did, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself without at least trying to make a success out of failure.

He didn't have it in him to just give up. For me, it was different. The moment I'd admitted how I felt about Aidan out loud I knew there wasn't anything to save between Oliver and I. I'd remained there with him purely out of a delayed sense of duty.  I thought I'd loved Oliver, and I do — in a way. Not in the way he wanted or needed, but we'd shared a life together; we'd shared pain together and we'd lost a child together. And the vows I made to him in front of my family and friends had not only kept me there with him but kept me here in this marriage too.

I was in love with Aidan. Desperately and finally in love with someone. Someone who wasn't my husband. It had been a relief to finally admit it. In fact, after admitting everything else I'd been keeping to myself, it was almost too easy. I had tried on the thing and it had fit me, perfectly.

I had only been afraid before. I still am. To finally be on the other side of love. To not know if he still wants me is the purest form torture I've ever known. Though to fall in love with a man who isn't my husband is almost too ridiculous to even comprehend that I deserve everything that happens to me now.

Esther is showing out another patient as I arrive at her waiting room and after she says goodbye to him, she smiles and beckons me forward. Inside her comfortable office, I slide off my brown sandals and make my way to the couch to sit down. She's painted it since last time I was here. It's a light green colour that goes nicely with her dark wood and olive soft furnishings. I can still faintly smell the odour of fresh paint.

"Ellie, you look great. How are you?" She asks as she sits down, placing her floral notepad on her lap.

"Thanks, you too. I'm good thank you," I say. My marriage is disintegrating, the man I really love hates me and I'm leaving tomorrow to return to a city where I currently have no job and no home. Yet I feel strangely positive about things. Terrified and nervous, but definitely positive. My mind and body feel lighter, as though I've shaken off a heavy, suffocating weight. "I could try the colour thing if you like?" I suggest.

She dismisses that with a shake of her head. "No need. This is more just a wrap-up session. A debriefing if you like," she smiles.

"A debriefing," I nod. "Well, I guess a lot has happened since I saw you last time."

"Yes, I see that. You and Oliver have decided to go back to London. That's good," she says writing something down.

I take a deep breath. "Actually no. Just me. Oliver and I are separating."