2 Questions Every Girl is Asking Herself

Chapter 53

One day, as I was foaming like a farm horse on the treadmill, while transfixed by the Food Network, my gym buddy Thomas asked,

"You know Fei Cheng Wu Rao is coming to town?"

"What?!"

"Yeah, they are coming here to audition candidates."

I blinked hard.

"Why would they come to Canada? It's a Chinese show."

"I don't know the details."

"How is it possible you know this and I didn't? I thought I was the FOB here."

If anything, my mom would be the first to know. The show had become so popular recently, Mandarin channels all over the world started purchasing rights to broadcast. Mom follows it religiously on the Vancouver Chinese channel. It's become a staple to our dinner table conversation.

Thomas laughed, "I was home for dinner on Sunday. My parents saw it in the Chinese paper. You should go." He said with a smirk.

"Why don't YOU go?"

"I have to work. And it doesn't interest me. But you should go."

"Why should I go?" I said. Irritated that he considers the show too ridiculous for him but totally appropriate for me. And trying to resist the rhapsodic stirring within. It must be from the running.

"It'll be fun." He said with finality, and turned back to CTV news.

I grunted, and mulled over what he'd just said. He's right. It would be fun. It'd be so much fun. To be on TV. To be physically inside a studio. What do studios look like? Do they have microphones and speakers all over the walls and up the ceilings? And what am I going to wear?! I love planning what to wear. Oh maybe I don't have to figure out what to wear. Right! They have stylists on the show. Pros! To get a pro makeover by a pro stylist will be so much funnnnn!! OMG! I wonder what kind of amazing outfits they are going to come up with. Something ultra chic, ultra fabulous, something that Blows. My. Mind. Oooh I want to wear one of those flowy, Goddess-like long dresses that flutter with the breeze. Millions will be watching while I strut down that runway. Maybe a publisher will even find my blog!

Then my mind grinded to a halt when I recalled one important fact:

I have a boyfriend.

ARG!

Wouldn't it be nice if I met Matt AFTER the show?

(Mental pout)

But hadn't the shao mai lady in SiChuan foretold it? A year ago, in Chengdu? Back then I hadn't even heard of FCWR. But in the months since, it seems, the two of us, (me and the show, that is) have been bridging the gap, inching towards each other, little by little. And isn't it funny that FCWR happens to be in town, while I'm in town, instead of London? Hadn't mom fantasized forever that I get on the show? Which I suspect is every middle-aged mother's secret fantasy, shared by the common gospel truth that my kid is so much better than those kids. And to top it all off, I don't read Chinese newspapers, neither does my family, and being a hermit means I have practically no contact with the outside world. But the news, the audition news, has somehow, miraculously, found a way to reach me.

All my antenna for superstition perked up as though receiving a radio signal from outer space.

Could this possibly be... FATE?

I paused the treadmill to consider this.

Maybe I should ask Matt if he would let me go, not for meeting men, but just for fun?

Just for FUN? Are you kidding me?! I could just see the incredulous stare on Matt's face. 

During our first few dates, FCWR came up during conversation. He'd said, half in jest, that I should get on it. Maybe he is really open-minded about it?

Am I out of my mind?

What have I not learned about the corrosive effects of insecurity? Just like all those friendly dinners with friendly male friends, innocent and platonic in my eyes, but romantic and threatening to Ed. At nineteen, I'd dismissed Ed's objections as his insecurity, and then I paid for it with two years of grief. How many times have I told myself, if I have the chance to do it all over again, I'd happily drop all the male friends, in exchange for Ed to come back? How I wished I'd realized, sometimes it doesn't matter if my intentions are pure, I simply have to stop doing certain things to make him feel safe. That making the other person feel safe is one of the most important things I could possibly do in a relationship. When Ed handed me his heart to hold, why did I have swing it around like a yoyo that he had to take it back for fear that I'd drop it?

Seven years later, this is my chance to do it all over again. No. I'm not going to mess it up by going on some dumb show.

I'm not even going to bring it up. 

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