The Evolution of Normal

Chapter 19

I awake to the sound of twigs crackling as they burn, to the rich smell of a campfire. I must have fallen asleep out on the rocks. But now where am I? I open my eyes and sit up, but before I can a hand gently guides me back down. It's Mona.

I look into her eyes as she pushes me back. Her face, besides being completely scabbed over on one side, is unreadable. I don't understand why she brought me back here, why she's taking care of me. It doesn't make any sense.

"Why didn't you just let me die?"

"Because I'm not you," she says. Not rudely. Not disparagingly. Just plainly. Merely stating a fact.

I don't argue with her. How could I? There's nobody in the universe as evil as me. Except for AcriChem. But that's not true anymore, is it? I'm just as bad as them, killing innocent people for no other reason except to further my own selfish, demented ambitions. My face contorts in pain, tears come to my eyes and I can't sob because my ribs hurt too much. But that doesn't stop me from weeping. It doesn't stop the endless tears and the anxious feelings of drowning from ceaselessly multiplying in my stomach. The entire day passes and soon the sun begins to set. Still I cry. The reservoir of guilt won't drain, no matter how hard or long I weep.

"Alright, cry baby. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Come on, get up." She grabs my arm and helps me stand up.

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to watch the sunset. Should be a good one, the sky's mostly clear to the west. Now let's go."

My thigh is tightly bandaged with my undershirt and I can't move it without a lot of pain, so I have to lean on Mona. Her leg is injured too, so she limps along with me to the overlook and we sit down, staring out towards the ocean. Far to the right somewhere is Lex's body. Maybe in the same spot, maybe moved by the tide. But still lifeless. Still dead. Murdered at the hand of ridiculously vengeful child. I start balling again.

"Would you stop it with the crying, already?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help it," I choke back a sob. "I killed him. I killed an innocent man, for no reason. I'm no better than AcriChem. You should've let me drown. The world would be a better place."

"You're right. You killed a completely innocent man. You'll never forgive yourself, and I may never forgive you, either. Maybe the world would be a better place. But you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself."

I sniffle, try to stop crying. But I can't. The loathe for myself, for what I've done, is too much.

"You're not like AcriChem, you know. Not even a little bit."

"Oh, come on, Mona. Yes, I am. You said so yourself."

"I did. But do you think AcriChem, after they experimented on you or when they killed Rand, sat down on their asses and wept uncontrollably about it? Do you think they feel guilty for the evil things they've done to no doubt countless other people? They're merciless, cold-blooded. Your actions were like AcriChem's, there's no doubt about that. But you yourself aren't. At least you feel guilty about what you did, and realize what an awful mistake it was."

I wipe my face, a dribbling mess, and push my hair back. I breathe a deep, shaky breath. My stomach still sinks ever downward with guilt, but at least I'm not crying.

"And to boot, you can't control your anger like I can. Which means, at least in part, it's still AcriChem's fault. How about that, huh? You have a legitimate excuse, unlike the majority of psychopaths like you."

I chuckle, nose still running. "Goddamn it, Mona. How are you so good? If I were in your position, I'd rip my face off for what I did. Yet here you are, trying to console me. It's just, you're so much better—" I break off and pause, looking over at her.