Letters to Lexi

Week Three

Dear Lexi,

I know you must not be very happy with me. I have tried to regain some of the happiness that I had. But it only lasted a few days. There are things that keep breaking me down. Cracking a genuine smile like you got so good at doing just isn’t easy for me. I feel as if I keep losing a little something each week. And though I experience some gain, we all know that more loss than gain is a net loss.

I know, you want me to be happy. And it’s hard to find ways to do so. But I promised you that I would be the best that I can be, and part of that is being happy. I am working on that.

There is this one song that instantly became one of my favorites. It’s called One Sweet Day sung by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men and there is a lyric that I hear and I think of you.

“I won’t be afraid. I’ll be alright if you help me. I know you’re looking down from heaven. And I won’t let you down. I’ll be everything you taught me; and all that I know is I’ll wait patiently to see you in heaven.”

This reminds me so much of how I try to live life everyday in your absence. It is so funny how song lyrics can speak to a person as if someone were actually speaking them in a conversation. That brings up an interesting point. Why is it that I feel as I have lost you? Why is it that anyone feels that the death of a loved one is a loss? For starters, that certainly isn’t a gain. That feeling of a loss can be so overwhelming.

I’m sure you already know the answer to the question, but I think I can figure it out as well. We feel like death is a loss because we think that a person is gone when they die. But are they really? Or does a person live on through other means in life?

Lexi, you haven’t and will never die. I hear so many people say the cliché “gone but not forgotten”. But these two words in this context are not different. For you to be officially “gone”, you would have to have been forgotten as well. I can think numerous things in life that can show you that you aren’t dead, but alive in each of us.

You are every pixel in those pictures you posed for. Pictures are meant to capture the moment, capture life. You are every tear that drops for you. You are every decibel of laughter. You are every tooth of a beautiful smile. You are every lyric to a song. You are every memory. You are everywhere. Each of us who grieve of your death have a piece of you in our hearts. Every time you touched someone, you seemed to have engraved your beautiful name on the side of that person’s heart.

Only in the feeling of absence can one truly feel a loss. If a person convinces themselves that you are gone, that there is hole where you once were, that there is a permanent void where you once stood, then that person shall never learn to live without. That’s why I said I will never forget you. When I see your face in my mind, hear your voice in my head, feel the warmth of your presence in my memories, I see Alexandra Grace Colin in the flesh. Just because your physical presence is not here doesn’t mean your spiritual presence hasn’t arrived. You are not gone, you have just moved away.

Each day I focus my feelings of a loss into a feeling that Lexi is still alive if I keep remembering her. There isn’t a day that I don’t miss you. Not a day where I don’t think about you. Not a day I still wonder. I may have been able to figure out your purpose but I still don’t understand why it had to be this way.

Basically how I cope with this is I find things that remind me of you. I dare myself to look at your pictures again. I dare myself to cry until I smile. I dare myself to listen to songs that tell me all about you. I don’t run from things that may make me want to cry for you; because if I were to run from it, I would never learn to be happy. That is why it is so important to EMBRACE those feelings, memories, and everything else. I say that only in absence can one feel a loss. But only in embracing the pain can one numb the pain. Truth is, your death will never stop hurting. Picturing your dangling, lifeless body in your room on June 6 will never stop hurting. But how much will it hurt? That is what I and everyone else who hurts can control.

I can tell you something else, people are making movements inspired by you. UNLV is planning a lecture series about issues like suicide, depression, etc. And it started because of you. I told you I have other people to save, and this is one huge step toward doing it.

Always know that each and every life you touched means that you live on in that many people. Just by seeing how many people were at your vigils and your memorial service, I can say that you live on through about 3000-4000 people, easily. I trust that you are so happy right now and I can only try to be happy as I get through this week by week. In due time, all of us will stand as tall as you expect us to.

I leave you with this last thought. Always embrace the pain; because if you don’t, that wound will never heal.

Until next time with love always,

Daron