Alright, I can definitely see more detail added which is good, but the mistakes in it make it difficult to read. Your novel is an extension of you. You want to put your best product forward. Therefore, editing is a must. If you edited this story and polished it up to look and read like a published novel, the quality would increase so much more! I strongly recommend that you try to polish each chapter more. Also, I had a hard time picturing what the classroom or the gym looked like. What subject was the class? Does the gym smell old or new? Is the hardwood old or new? At best, I see this story as a skeleton; it cuts to the chase and gives you all the raw details of the story. Each line moves the story along. However, as I have said before, it is imperative to paint that picture. Let me know if you would like an example. I would be happy to take one of your chapters and fill in the detail how I see it. That way, you can visualize it instead of me trying to explain it in a comment. As always, hope this helps.
Hello everyone! My name is Daron. I mainly write poetry. This is my passion in writing. I mostly write about love or heartbreak, but there are other topics there too. Feel free to check out some of my poetry. I also write stories. My first story, She Took My Breath Away, is officially published on Amazon! Those of you who like my romance poetry or like romance will like that story. Here is the link to purchase it for $12.81: http://www.amazon.com/She-Took-My-Breath-Away/dp/1500487899/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413742225&sr=8-1&keywords=She+Took+My+Breath+Away Those of you who like murder, horror, suspense, and mystery, I have a story called We The Jury Find You Dead. Trust, it will have you hooked from the start...or at least that's what my fans say... I love talking to people! Feel free to contact me anytime! Twitter: https://twitter.com/DBIGS0013 Tumblr: http://itsdbigs.tumblr.com Email: email@example.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYeV-C_R3hoO__PXMv5ksXw I appreciate those that take the time to read my work! Goals! 500 Followers 500 votes on We The Jury Find You Dead 20,000 reads on We The Jury Find You Dead Get a novel in the top 5 of any list Get a poem in the top 10 of any list
Joined:3 years ago
Description: This is the prologue to my novel, "She Took My Breath Away". If you like it, feel free to buy on Amazon for $12.81! Also, feel free to share with family/friends! http://www.amazon.com/She-Took-My-Breath-Away/dp/1500487899/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413...
Other Works by its_dbigs.
Excellent start! If I can offer some friendly advice, I would recommend more description in your chapter. For the most part, you are just telling me all the details of the characters and their surroundings as if they were a grocery list. You should be able to paint a picture with your words that lets my imagination draft up a vivid image of the scene based on how you describe it. Happy writing!
I just uploaded a ton of poetry and stories for you all to enjoy!