Hear Your God Speaking

| Chapter: 10 |

Heath

I made my bed and I made it with her

This mess we are in we are forced to lay in it

This sin we were battling is lust driven

The price that I only have to pay is repentance and I'm forgiven

I'm not braggin', but I'm not weighted down by my baggage

After all what brought us here was our love and passion

I mean I'm not here alone, If God places certain people here in our lives

Then isn't it the women He gave me?

This desire I have, this test of faith, don't you see?

God knows and yet it's his foully

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If you know someone that has been advising you about a sin you are battling and you see them turn around and commit a sin, how would you feel knowing that, that person is a sinner like you but was very obedient or showed obedience to God alone and it seemed like they tried to live a flawless life or tried to obtain something like it. They even judged you when you did something wrong or shamed you, then you see them sin and it's something you never expected from them ... How do you respond in your disbelief and maybe even anger or hurt?

Lauretta and I were in my room talking about the boom Heath had dropped on the whole family. He was downstairs with mom and dad discussing what they were going to do about this situation that he is now in with Jacqueline. Growing up I remember how it felt to be punished for doing something my parents didn't approve of, whether it was not clean up after ourselves or not doing our school work before playing outside we know the consequences for our actions, even when our parents communicated with us well the effects of the choices we made. With that being said, for a while I felt discouraged whenever they found out I skipped school and didn't come back home with my siblings around the time school got off. They knew what I was up to even if I denied it with some excuse, like hanging out with a friend, or the library. It was evident to them I had went off getting higher than the empire state building, with dilated eyes, messed up hair and clothes, and occasionally sweaty. It had felt like I was getting picked on, and walking through the doors of our house everyone would be there .... just sitting around and they'd look at me with pity or judgment in their eyes. So for once it wasn't me who had messed up, it was Heath, and I feel infuriated. 

"I don't feel relieved or like the target was finally off my back, I was upset that I had been so open and vulnerable about my faults hoping one day I can walk in the footsteps that he was leading, in living a life being upfront about the things I'm battling for my good. As Heath would say it, "it's better to not hide and protect that sin, but rather shine a light upon it and expose it so that God can begin to heal you with the help of the Godly people you openly discussed it with, so they can help you get rid of that sin and keep it a bay. You hold that sin close to you and it will be the death of you." So when he basically told us he knocked up Jacqueline it was like a damn slap in the face, like where is the trust and loyalty? I know he isn't perfect, but this was preventable. Compared to what I went through I couldn't help wanting to not be sane in my reality. He talked about not ever imagining putting someone he loves in the kind of pain, and then in the next moment contradicts everything he was claiming to stand for?" I explain to Laurette. My hands were shaking with rage and I folded both my hands together to compose myself the best I can. 

"Own your faith, your relationship to God, and not the hypocrisy of men who think that their faith has made them flawless when they lack action in what they preach. Alex, you have to know that everyone's faith journey is different, and your conviction isn't going to be the same as everyone else's. Accepting Christ and becoming a Christian does not mean you will live a perfect life, and it doesn't mean it will be easier to not sin, in fact it will be the opposite. The enemy knows he has to fight much harder to stray you away from God, because he knows God has given you this spirit against your flesh. God does allow this temptation to come against you that is from the enemy to get you to slip up and sin, but this test is to ultimately defeat and overcome to make your spirit strong. Whatever Heath was battling at the time was something that was conflicting between his spirit and flesh when he fell from God's glory, but yet as sinners Christ died for us. When we stray away from God's design it leads to brokenness, he gives us endless chances to make it right with him by repentance until we leave our temporary home, Earth, and takes us to our eternal home, Heaven. God is testing the depth of our faith and obedience to him, because it is simple to profess with our mouths we won't commit a sin, but challenge for us to live out pure lives. Heath was right about being open about our sins, and because he didn't follow through in what he said, doesn't mean what God told him to say was a lie, it means that he couldn't follow through in his promise." 

 She was right or course, but I wasn't going to admit that out loud. "Don't ask me to trust him again," I say. "We should at least forgive him, he will be condemned enough," she says eyeing me to agree. "Loyalty and honesty means everything, but once they are broken sorry means nothing."