Leo my Soul

Is he out there? Is the perfect boy out their? Is he alive yet? Do I know him? What does he look like? Is he irresistible to every girls eyes? Most of all- does he care?

I was never the pretty girl in school, I had long brown wavy hair with misty blue eyes that need glasses desperately. I cant help but squint when people from far away places wave at me, and I look like I’m mad because I cant see. There are so many things I would change about me. I would first change my breast. They're too big, in 6th grade I was made fun of so much because they were bigger than other girls. I don’t remember how many times I cried because of that. Second I would change my personality, I’m shy and jealous. I make things worse than they really appear to be, and I cant help it but always think the worse of things. Third my eyesight.

I wonder who would care if I died? What would happen if I just stabbed myself right now? Would my mother, whose dieing of cancer kill herself too? Would my abusing boyfriend cry? Would he finally see how much I’m worth and, how much he really did love me at one time.

It wasn’t until one rainy day, when I was in my honors English. I was getting ready to leave with John, my boyfriend who doesn’t care. He was talking to Dan next to him, ignoring me. For years people been telling me to dump him, to get someone better, someone who will treat me right and not make me depressed. But I cant- there was to much that John and I already did that I cant take back. Him and I rushed things- so now we have nothing left to look forward to, but to get married and maybe have kids.

The bell rang and brought me back to miserable reality. I took my books off the counter and started for the door. I dropped my A.P. world history text book and it landed with a thump.

“Shit.” I turned to retrieve it. “Hold on John.” I yelled out to my boyfriend. When I stood back up- he was already out the door laughing with Dan. Yup- this was my wonderful life.

My cousin Aleecia was walking next to me. She was always the one to be in love with the thought of love. Aleecia went on and on about our trip to Texas in a few months, to go get her boyfriend, Jared. When we sat at the lunch table I actually started tuning in on what she was saying.

“-And when I give myself to Jared- I know he’ll treat me like a queen afterwards. Every boy should treat you wonderful after having sex with you- its an honor for them to even get into a beautiful girls like us at all! They should kiss our ass!” I wish she told me that earlier in my relationship with John.. I wouldn’t have done anything when he came over.

I looked over to my right, John was sitting with about three other people along with Dan and his beautiful girlfriend. I usually sat with them, but when it comes to Aleecia’s stories I always have to lessen, if I like it or not. She had always been there for me, when John and I had our fights, she’d always lessen. So I owed it to her to lessen back.

John had stopped caring for me about a year ago. I wanted him to prove himself worthy to me so badly- that I screwed up our relationship. I once asked him “Where was the old Johnny that once loved and cared all about me?”

“He’s dead.”

I guess I deserved to be miserable, I rushed things, was jealous of little things he did with other girls, and kept fighting with him.. I loved him dearly- but he stopped proving me wrong when I said he didn’t care or loved me anymore.. What I would do to have just one man who cared so much about- and would give his life just for me to be happy..

After school I did my usual walk home down the corner of 125street. I had blocked out most of my friends for John when we first started going out, how I wish I kept them..

Later that night my crappy red cell phone started vibrating. I picked it up to find Johnny drunk calling me again. I could hear Dan in the background laughing. Dan was a good student but bad person when it came to late night parties. Girls at parties would practically strip right in front of him to get in his pants.. I had pity for his pretty girlfriend.