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Mafia Blood [Nika]

Book: Mafia Blood
Author: -sylver
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: Five
Main focus: Plot, dialogue, and my use of descriptions/details.

I like chapter 2 because it ends with a bang. There is suspense and enough to draw readers into the story.

Dialogue takes up much of the story, leaving description out of the equation. When the characters get together there is rarely a break to describe more in depth of their surroundings. I think you need more description and less dialogue. The characters are simply driving the story by interacting and talking instead of leaving the readers immersed and connected to the story/plot as a whole. In order fix this you’ll need to draw out the appropriate emotions where they are due. Her friend gets shot and though everyone is reacting, the lack of description really puts a strain on the anguish the character(s) are feeling. This also doesn’t help us relate to her sadness. In the end the scene seems rushed and we as readers are placed within a hard spot because even though Karissa is one of the main characters, we can’t fully grasp her.

It’s like her reaction is forced and/or she claims she cares about Paisley, but not enough. This is just due to the lack of description needed to fire up the scene.

In order for you to understand her as a character and deliver her emotions as needed what you need to do is first place yourself in her shoes. If you were at a gathering and someone shot your friend, what would you do? Yes, there may be different personality traits in you and Karissa, so you’d have to tweak your reaction a bit, but still this is achievable.

Let’s say the Karissa is an anxious person, whose fearfulness can be crippling, and seeing Paisley die in front of her eyes does one of three things… Fight or Flight or Freeze. Depending on who she is it is best to elaborate this without the excessive dialogue. In a time that requires much needed mental focus where the body is sent into a hyperdrive, I doubt talking anything out will seem anything but lacking. Maybe later when she’s more calmer can she actually have that conversation with Percival. Dialogue text must match the emotions delivered in order to successfully support the characters in their struggles.

I’ll pick a personality trait and elaborate below. Let’s say that Karissa is the Freeze type, which it does seem so by the way you’ve written it-- let’s focus on that.

Example Below:
The abrupt sound of a pop interrupts Paisley's melodious, chirpy voice. Her hazel eyes, once bright with joy, now cloud with pain and confusion, shifting from a smile to an expression of sheer terror. She fixes her gaze on me, piercing into my very core, her soul mirroring something unfathomable. Her pupils dilate, a soft gasp escapes her red-stained lips, and tears well in her hollow stare. I can't forget the sight of her delicate fingers reaching out, barely grazing my blouse, desperate to hold onto life.

In an instant that feels like an eternity, I can only stand and watch as she loses control of her body. Her legs give way, and she collapses with a heavy thud onto the concrete. The sounds that once filled my ears fade to an oppressive silence that envelops me. A profound weight surges through my clenched fists and my trembling lips betray the shock gripping me. I recognize the warm red droplets splashing my face, the stark reality dawning on me. The smell of hot iron– yet I am paralyzed. Not solely for Paisley's sake, who is fighting for her life, but also because my gaze is transfixed on her motionless form, bleeding out the vitality that just moments before animated her being.

She needs my help, yet I am trapped in an eternity. Waves crash within my heart, and my body can't keep pace as my mind grapples with the notion of being without oxygen. A fear I have never before experienced. Despite my internal screams, I am frozen, only able to stare.