Zach & Ryan

(9) Let's recap - Ryan

a/n jeez this has taken me so long to write and apologies for the end section it gets a little crappy. I hope you enjoy 

tw (trigger warning 

cw (content warning)

tw mentions medications for mental health and physical bullying

- tw medication - 

Another morning, another bowl of cereal. Thank whatever divinity is out there that I was taken off my medication at the end of year 10. Sadly, I went through the Fluoxetine to Sertraline pipeline. There is a story there... A story of incompetency at the hands of NHS psychiatrists. Before I started Fluoxetine, I will admit that I was depressed, I wasn't in a good place whatsoever and needed a lot of support to even get myself out of bed. Living online, discord open twenty-four seven. Brushing my teeth was out of the question, yet I was reliant on a minimum of one monster a day- pipeline punch was the best. Since I was so stuck in that rut my mum stepped in before it got any worse and took me to the GP. Because I was already known to the mental health services, I was fast tracked and seen within the next month- so speedy, am I right? Anyways, that's beside the point, when I was seen I was in even worse state so immediately they decided to prescribe me Fluoxetine (aka Prozac) which leant me a hand to get out of my slump, once I was out there, no looking back.

Others commented on my swift improvement (only my mum noticed) and finally I felt like I could be a functioning member of society. Regrettably that didn't last long. Mood changing rapidly and unpredictably was soon a prevailing feature in my life. Up and down, swings and roundabouts, happy to sad, angry to calm. Intensity was the only common ground each of these emotions shared, tearing me cell from cell, erupting out of my flesh. Needless to say, my ever-observant mother took me straight back to the psychiatrist. Thankfully they had some level of perceptiveness to understand that I needed to be weaned from Fluoxetine. Quetiapine was then added to my repertoire of psychotropic drugs. Funnily enough Quetiapine is also a treatment for schizophrenia, only at a higher dose though, they don't know the full extent of my hallucinating yet. 

Going to school while medicated beyond all belief is horrific- the definition of a shit show. Unremittingly quelling astringent emotions with no respite, just begging for some change, some rest, some breathing space. But no- you must go on. You're not allowed to rest, not allowed to breathe without people checking on you, infantilising you and treating you like a case- a patient- subhuman. 

Months flew by and now my hallucinations were the predominant issues. Depressive episodes came and went, the unshakeable emptiness never left, still the Quetiapine did fuck all. Nothing helped, nothing worked, I couldn't control it. I was out of control. And we were back at the psychiatrist's office. Sitting there being interrogated about what I was seeing still haunts me. Insincerity seeped from his words; disbelief filled the cartridge in his pen. Sitting there open and vulnerable only to feel invalidated is something I wouldn't wish on anyone- except maybe my dad. Trudging out of his office, sullen faced, with another handwritten prescription to hand over to the pharmacist, this time for Olanzapine. Turns out my hallucinations were that bad and needed treatment. Who would've guessed? 

Simultaneously winter holidays ceased and so did my hallucinations. Existing didn't feel like a chore anymore, the terrors paused, and my heart was allowed to breathe. Eternally I will be grateful for that, grateful to experience life without them for once. Curiously the bullying also stopped then. 

- tw physical bullying and mentions of medication -    

 Secondary school was no different to primary school, in the sense that I couldn't turn a corner without my heart leaping to my throat. Peril in every classroom, my demise seeming far too close. Although I didn't particularly like living- I didn't want it to end. Will and Matt are the worst. Both having broad builds, Matt marginally shorter than Will, made them intimidating rivals. Undaunted by using their size to their advantage, each exiguous contradistinction meticulously identified and amplified by a thousand when they were near. Will readily commented on my fleeting looks of horror. Nitpicking. Like a woodpecker, pecking away at the bark of me until I bled sap. Often, this routine would carry out on the playground. Our little dance, if you will. Get it? Never mind... where was I? Matt always contributed with snarky comments and muttered insults. Questions fired at me.