Zach & Ryan

(5) Why can't the past leave me alone? - Ryan

a/n this is quite a challenging chapter to read due to the content so please if you have to skip this chapter please do I would never want anyone to be triggered by my work and I understand this chapter might be quite graphic. Please enjoy this day at school with Ryan <3

tw- trigger warning 

cw- content warning

tw hallucinations, sh relapse, scars, alludes to abuse

School was much of the same, the same rhythm, same melody. When my grades went up my mental health went down, every lesson the same. The same hallways with chipping paint. The same lockers with dents in the sides. The same benches we sat on to eat lunch drilled in the floor. Nothing was different, the only thing that ever changed was the way that teachers decided to decorate their classrooms.  

Zach was stealing glances at me every now and again, but I tried to think nothing of it, surely, we were just friends. Friends... Nothing more than acquaintances- I mean we barely talk! I've never been good at making or keeping them- he was probably no different. Become 'friends' with the weird kid, get good grades, drop the weird kid once you've learnt how to keep your grades up; the cycle repeats, destroying me a little more every time. I must convince myself Zach is the same because if he is the same, it won't hurt as much when I find out his true motives. Why is it more soul crushing than usual? The thought that Zach was just like everyone else just felt inexplicably wrong. Internal dissonance was something I was used to, but this was something more like an infection an abscess that needs draining and packing. No way could Zach just be using me, but how could it be something more than for personal gain? 

- tw hallucinations -

Too many thoughts are whirring in my head far too many for a Wednesday lunch time. It's too much. I need to go home. Please just take me home! How is this happening again, the voices and shadows that never leave me alone.

"Just leave me alone!" 

 Everyone turned to me as tears filled my eyes, what is it about this month? I just keep crying and I can't stop these rancid tears from betraying me. Hands now fists in my hair pulling. 

"Just leave." 

Faces, fingers surrounded me, caressing my shoulder, running a single finger down my spine. Faces hovering in front of me, in front of them... Phone case. That's your escape. Bathroom please, just. Breaths leaving faster than they were coming in. With my eyes screwed shut, drops of salty acid dripped down my chin branding me with shame. Sprinting to the bathroom, I grabbed my phone. Walls streaming past, painted with the brand of shadows. Feet slapping the ground moving without conscious thought. In record time the door to the bathroom stall was slammed shut- my shirt and phone case were on the floor. Voices were screaming, 

"Come on Ryan."                            "He won't let you rest."

            "You'll never escape."                                               "You are your father's son."   

- tw for hallucinations over -

- tw sh -

Nothing was clear, I just needed it to stop. Euphoria... I just need proof. I am not my father. My father can't bleed the blood I bleed, he can't cry the tears I cry. He isn't me...? 

"I'm not him, I'm not him." 

Muttering under my breath over and over. All of a sudden, I looked down at my shirt now mottled with red.