Del Taco: A Short Story

Scouts

This day was going terrific! I had been completely uninterrupted by anyone or anything as I perfected my vlog. I had just uploaded it when I heard a car crash outside my mansion. I assumed another 2x4 died of a heart attack on the way to the Taco Bell across the street again but was pleasantly surprised to find my best friend Emily's car at the scene.

I trotted outside my mansion. Our old English teacher mumbled incoherently as she was dragged off the pavement onto a gurney. Emmy's car was rammed into my mansion entrance gates. I tripped on a dandelion, my petite frame slide perfectly through the gates. Emily's car doors opened automatically allowing me to fall into the back of the car.

"Hey bookie, dookie, schnookie doodle!" she greeted.

"Hey cunt!" I complemented back.

"Want to go scout out kid to be the Aaron Taylor Johnson to my The Old Hag Who's Directing That Terrible Amy Winehouse Biopic disguised as Girl Scouts?"

The thought of having a fine young man like that in bed every night, even as I was pushing the incredibly old age of thirty, did sound pretty appetizing. My mom was over at my Aunt/Uncle (depends on the day) Mo Lester's house with my two younger brothers. My dad was fast asleep. And my dog was at the boutique so I had no reason not to go.

"Only if I get to find the Tom Kaulitz to my Heidi Klum!" I giggled.

Emily grabbed her bag and started the walk with me to the school. While in the poor neighborhood, an old man driving a white van offered us a ride home. In less than a second the man was immobilized by the pink stun gun Emily always kept handy. Tired of walking in heels, we highjacked the van, leaving the creep on the side of the road.

We drove off to our old high school with Cola playing on Em's Spotify premium account. I unbuckled my seat belt like a bad girl who's done some bad things and poked my head our the window. I let my hair out of my messy bun. My scrunchies flew into some poor motorcyclist's face getting no reaction out of me because I was too busy basking in my fresh Cali gurl air.

We approached the school and slowed to a stop on the soccer field,  "So how are we gonna snatch some boy toys."

"Ew, never say that again," Emily flipped her 10 foot naturally neon pink locks, "Here."

She handed me a log of what looked like shit, "What the hell is this?"

"It's a foot-long cookie from Subway,"

"Why's it so damn stale?"

"I bought it in like March or something,"

"That was like last week! How dafuq."

"March, 2002."

"Didn't they just start selling those this year?"

"Oh, shut up," Emily snapped.

Her assistant, who I had not noticed was in the back of the van this entire time, opened Emily's door. She was showered with flowers, magazines to autograph, and used condoms. She stepped right outside the van. She was trying to think of something she could drop and pick up slow on purpose when she got the best idea. She pulled her belt-like miniskirt down to her ankles much to the pleasure of the sweaty athletes walking out.

"Oopsies, teehee," Emily kawaii'd.

She slowly bent over making sure they could see it from the back. By now most straight men and lesbian woman had sprinted onto the field. Word of Emily's presence had clearly made itself known. Her nonexistent skirt crept up her legs leaving all the boys and girls with their chinny chin chins on the floor in either raging lust or uncontrollable jealousy.

"Emma. cookie. now." Emily whispered.

I weedled through her bag and handed her one of three cookies.

"Oh, if only I had a tall handsome boy to share this massive, twelve-inch cookie with," Emily called out.

Roman, a student walking by, stopped and approached her. A decision he would soon regret. Jared, another student on the other side of the school, flew across campus at the sound of the word "cookie." The pink blur body slammed poor Roman out of the way. The shock wave of his landing sent Emily and the van tumbling into a nearby building. The van rocked back and forth before landing on its side. The creak of metal coming to a halt. Like a moth to a flame, Jared latched onto the side of the van, striking a Spider-Ham pose. Using his bare hands, Jared tore through the side of the van, dropping inside. Using his pig nose, the blob of a man sniffed out Emily's bag which was hanging onto my limp body. He tried and tried but his pudgy fingers could not unzip the bag. Instead, in a snake-like way, Jared unhinged his jaw and muscled down all three cookies. Bag included.

The gurgling sound, so unholy I wished I would have died upon impact. The stench of the creatures breath sent me unconscious within seconds.

~ ♛ ❉ ♛ ~

I awoke. The world around me hazy. I was laying on my side in the passengers seat. I looked to the left, or technically up to the sky. I wasn't gonna climb all the way up there. I lifted my boot. With one kick the windshield popped off. I stepped out of the van and looked for Emily. I saw her laying like a nude Rose from Titanic. Her hair perfectly laid out. I shook her awake. Startled, I helped her to her feet and helped her find her heel. She was heartbroken at the loss of her Birkin but otherwise unscathed.

Broken and bruised, Emily and I emerged from the ashes.

"That biggie," Emily scoffed.

"It could be worse," I chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess it could couldn't it," she laughed, deja vu creeping up on her.

"You'll get 'em next time," I assured, skipping hand in hand with her off into the sunset.