broken souls

forty-three

    
Guilty as sin.
-Taylor swift
❦

໒ྀིISHA GENOVESE໒ྀི

   TW : SUC!DE, MATURE TOPICS.

When Ace dropped me back at the Carter's house, i felt so many unidentified feelings rushing through my veins.

He wanted to try, try with me.

A few months ago I wouldn't, forget that I couldn't even imagine the possibility to have a actual relationship with Ace Carter of all people.

Let alone, a relationship at all.

I got another message today, the one I've been trying to ignore for weeks now.

But i can't physically do it anymore, but even more so i cant bring myself to believe in the fact that my biological mother is still alive and well.

The second part, I wasn't sure of.

Part of me wanted to know, know why. Just why she did what she did the way she did it, and why she left when i needed her the most.

But the other part of me, which lately ive been trying to forget, the weak one, the one that underestimates every single little thing about myself is too terrified of why she did it, and to know how much it'll break me all over again is something i want to avoid.

She's begging now, my mother is begging and asking to do anything at all to see me, give me a explanation.

I try to refuse, but my mind stops me.
I try to text back a answer, this time my hand stops me and my body freezes. Every single time.

Im so tired of this feeling, this feeling which I remember all too well.

And all of a sudden im a small kid again, lost alone and lonely, with this feeling of emptiness lurking in my veins.

I build up the courage to tell myself I'll do it, ill tell her something anything, an answer.

But later, because now i hear noises of mayas whines as my eyes shift from my phone and  the text message I've been staring at non stop for the last fifteen minutes, i can do this later, right?

It didn't matter, i wanted a distraction, but a part of me knew its about time i tried to push past my fear and comfort zone for once.

I click the phone shut after seeing  a few messages from Rora, Iris and the others as i let out a deep sigh, i shaked my head.

I did this, every time i did this to myself i distanced myself from others after any minor inconvenience,

Its never really anything to do with the people, but more with me and how i seem to find not a single bit of motivation to reply let alone make conversation.

It's better then dry replies here and there making it seem like im putting in no effort when really i wish i had that little something in me so i could put in the amount of effort needed to do so.

Nevertheless, i remove my leg which is laying on the top of my other one ad i slide off my bed and face the mirror, my eyes were bloodshot red, the trickles and small veins of red popping clearly in my eyes, and just below the hideous dark hollow depths of nothingness formed from  a lack of sleep that showed clearly, nose red, cheeks puffed out into a hue of baby pink as small baby hairs stuck to my forhead from simply dry crusted tears.