all too well // august horn av årnäs x reader

20

i stood there dumbstruck.

what happened? why did he yell at me like that? what happened with his mom? what was happening between him and simon? why didn't simon want to tell me?

hundreds of questions were going through my head, one after another, and all of them, left unanswered.

i opened my dorm door, closing it and locking it.
my dad leaving and not seeing him for a month or so again began to hit me. i tried pushing away the feeling but it was too strong to ignore.

it gets hard when there's only one person who you can rely on and yet they're not as reliable as you'd wish them to be.
the only time he was fully present was times like these when he wasn't working, but the second he stepped out of the house, onto a plane, our long conversations would turn into calls that lasted less than ten minutes.

i grabbed my headphones and plugged them in my ears, sitting down on my bed.

shutting my eyes, i imagined i wasn't at hillerska, but instead was back in my childhood home.
when my mom was still alive, and we got along. my dad didn't work as much so we got family time together. our pet dog, a tiny brown cocker spaniel called 'canela'(cinnamon) was still alive and just barely a puppy. and my only worry in life was some insignificant first grade drama that i would soon forget in a day or two.
it seems like you don't really miss that type of stuff until it's gone. then, it was just everyday life for me and i didn't think much of it. but then i grew up and my relationship with my mom got rocky, and she... you know.

yeah.

and i'd find myself yearning for that again but there wasn't anything i could do anymore.

i got up from my bed, going out the door. i felt like walking. i just wanted to have peace of mind. it felt as if every time i was left alone with my thoughts i couldn't help but be pessimistic.

i exited the building and began walking outside through a new trail i hadn't taken before.
soon enough i found myself at an unfamiliar location surrounded by tall trees, with muted red and orange leaves. i kept walking, assuming the path would lead somewhere, and as i had predicted, i found myself going past the boys dorm building.

i paused for a second, staring at the many windows.

one of them was augusts.

which one? i don't remember.
the only times i had been there was the time i got drunk and two or three times for studying with him.

should i...

no.

i shouldn't.

but i want to.

i sighed, and made my way around the building until i found the front door. i walked in as if nothing, ignoring the stares i was getting from the guys there.
i walked into the common room area they had, similar to the one in the girls dorm and found vincent.

he looked up at me from the couch he was sitting in, his eyebrows raised.

"which one is august's dorm?" i asked.

he got up with an amused grin and then walked me over to the corridor and told me it was the last one to the right.
i nodded and thanked him.

i knocked twice.

"lämna mig ifred, jag sa ju allt att det inte finns någon träning längre!"
he yelled out.

i made out the word training and the 'lämna mig ifred', which meant 'leave me alone'. i had heard august say it to his friends whenever he was hanging out with me when we were friends.
he was probably saying to stop being annoying about training. he was the captain of the rowing team after all.