The Hit List

Chapter 23

I am watching a stranger turn on the television, and turning on a video of a train traveling through Belgium. Sharing a bottle of wine I find I don't hate the taste. One day I'm traveling this world alone, and suddenly I find myself making my way beside a man I don't even know the last name of. Days between passing by in a way they never did before. I find myself watching the screen, studying the pieces of color that catch my eyes with every moment. Silently sitting side by side as he continues to drag his over to me, careful not to disturb this strange moment of peace.

And soon this moment will become a memory. And despite the way my heart seems to squeeze itself, it continues beating. The wonderment of why he would put in the time. Why he would want to share this feeling with a fellow stranger? Just one of those moments of life that are unexplainable to those who aren't present. Even less to the two who are. I'm not sure even he knows why he's doing what he's doing. What's pushing him to treat an already broken piece as though he can fix it.

It's been almost an hour since I invited him in. I'm not sure I'll accept that I truly invited him. It feels more like allowing a prisoner to escape his handcuffs because you choose to not take on the threat he can do onto you. The possibility that he could tear me apart from the inside. He should be home, but for some reason, he has chosen me to be his temporary home. Often, I wonder to myself if he's planning an escape attempt. But without me, I'm not sure he remembers how to survive.

Or rather thrive. He knows how to breathe, he knows how to eat, and the third glass of wine he's currently sipping is proof he knows how to drink. He knows how to live, but possibly not how to feel his heart truly beat.

As I pull my knees up to my chest, my eyes stay on the screen. His elbows are on his knees, his back bent forward. His fingers are joined together. He looks as though he's attempting to follow the music that's playing in the background of the video.

After decades of being surrounded by doom, he's an unusual light. Like a buzzing firefly. Annoying with its noise, while still being a beauty to watch. A refreshing friend when you find yourself alone in the night.

I tuck my hands into my lap and push my feet beside me, brushing his leg gently. Neither of us says a word, and I find it would be weirder to pull away than to leave them where they lay. An acknowledgment will come from neither of us.

"Are you cold? Your feet are freezing." He says. "I can feel it through my pants." His hand reaches behind him without waiting for an answer, unfurling his blanket and laying it across my legs.

I chuckle and push some of it towards him. He snatches it and pushes it back towards me. "I'm fine." "You say that, but maybe your legs are cold. Maybe that's what you're feeling. And you're just blaming me."

It's been so long since I had this back-and-forth with someone. Hitch is nothing like I remember human interaction to be. I don't overthink my answers with him, unafraid of offense or mistakes. Not caring about what his opinion of me is, yet simultaneously hoping he never realizes how poor of a companion I make.

His hand runs over his hair. I can hear the rain hit the window outside. Trickling over the window. His arms curve over his body, folded in on themselves. His sweater is loose on his frame. A reminder of how little I've physically seen of him.

The stars are hidden outside, but I know they're there. Hiding from the reckless world. Watching us from the safety of the sky. Ogling us as though we are there for their entertainment. An impossibility to understand.

Our brains are illogical, and all notions are easy to ignore when safety reaches our bloodstreams. I run my hand over the blanket, feeling the softness underneath my fingers. I thank the stars for granting me the ability to sit still in this moment. My heart fell to a steady beat. "Where would you go if you could go anywhere?"