Half of You

Confessions - Eight

My eyes widen at his drunken confession. How anyone could think that he was weak was beyond me. There is no mistaking the power that clings to the Alpha and Luna, and therefore, would be passed down to Payne. I never felt anything quite like it, even from the Luna and Alpha back home.

"I had only just shifted. He was a fully grown male." His words leave his mouth like they're heavy, like he's been carrying them a long time. If I'm the person that he needs to talk to, if we can relate to each other even in some small way, then I'll listen, even as the bond vibrates and twists in my chest in defiance.

"I could have forgiven her. I could have gotten over any love she had for him." He says could have, like it's no longer a possibility for him. Like his forgiveness has run out. The pain in what he says is tangible, and I'm not sure if it's our shared experience or something else that has me wanting to reach out and soothe him. I don't.

"I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that." No amount of words can make it better, I know that. I just need to say something to fill the silence that follows. My throat feels thick. His pain must be far more than I can imagine, and he must have been living with it far longer than I. He's definitely past the stage of being freshly shifted.

The lake is warm tonight, and I dare swim a little closer. I stop when he moves to face me. I can see it there, shining so bright. The wounds of his soul showcased in his eyes so plainly for me to see.

I wonder how long it's been since anyone has seen behind his mask, or dared to look.

The Moon glows, and it almost feels like she's looking down, staring at us with watchful eyes. I hardly notice, caught by his gaze, staring into him. For just a moment I can't look away, something holds me there, stretched between us. His tongue flicks out, licking a bead of water off of his lip.

"Did your mate- was he in love with someone else?" I open my mouth and then close it again. The moments of rejection flash in my mind, but when I look back into Payne's eyes, they disappear. The pain of the bond is less intense, it doesn't even surprise me when it takes a hold of my heart and squeezes. It's lessened to something that's still unpleasant, but bearable. Maybe the distance between Matias and I is really a good thing.

"No he wasn't. At least I don't think so." I can see the confusion in his features, the slight squint, the furrowed brow. As if to say 'what other reason would be good enough?'

I don't let him wonder. How he was so open with me, so vulnerable, it compels me to let him in. To tell him why. "He.. there was a situation where my mother had to choose. Between saving my brother and I's life, or his sisters. She chose us, and he hates me for it."

The shock is evident, he doesn't try to hide it. I go silent, as it really hits me the situation that we're in. His shock shifts to sadness. For me, I realize. I resist the feeling that I should apologize for bringing it up.

"That's.. I'm sorry too, Thea." I shrug, causing my shoulders to peek a little out of the water. It's not his fault, that's what I want to say. But I know he's not apologizing because he's at fault. He's apologizing because he understands the bond, the way it takes hold of you and doesn't let go.

It's rare for a wolf to reject it's mate. It goes against every fiber of our being, every tendril of the magic the Moon uses to spin bonds between her wolves. It's so rare that at one point in history, every rejection was accounted for. Most of them resulted in death for both parties, the pain unbearable. The heartbreak killing them from the inside out, but slowly.

We sit with the quiet for a long time, sometimes looking at the Moon, sometimes across the lake, but never at each other. I'm thankful for that, because it's easier to resist the urge to reach out and caress his face, run my hands through his hair, offer him some kind of comfort.