Made With Love

Chapter 3: This Is Me Trying

Why is it that even when you manage to complete a task on time, you still can't seem to give yourself permission to be proud of what you have achieved?

Instead, you are glaring obsessively at your hard work while callously dissecting it piece by piece. Deciding that you've failed before you have even allowed the team to determine that for themselves.

You have no justifiable reason to be this overcritical when you are no longer required to uphold your old boss's standards. It's not fair to yourself to belittle the dedicated effort that you have made this morning either...

Yet, you're still telling yourself this is too simple. That you didn't create anything special. There's no way these heroes would be impressed by this basic spread of pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, mixed fresh fruit, and a refreshing pitcher of green smoothie that you blended on a whim. In your mind, this is complete mediocrity. You have merely done the job Tony has hired you to do this morning, cook with what you've got for now, and the result is not the best you are capable of. It is the best that you could achieve in a new environment where you are put on the spot and given a specific time limit.

You are unable to admit that you have actually done a wonderful job. What you've done this morning is more than enough, and it's certainly more than the team was used to in the first place. It absolutely did not help that James had been watching you either, reminding you of the trauma you are hopelessly trying to overcome. Undoing every bit of progress you have made by keeping yourself together up until now.

For the time being, you need to be able to turn around and see that nobody is there. That you are safe, and all of the fear is in your head. This had been extremely important for your return back to work, but now you will not be able to look away from the entrance or let your guard down for very long without panicking that you will glance over your shoulder and meet those mysterious blue eyes again. Judging you. Measuring you up. Making you worry that this will be another repeat of your last job. An unshakeable reminder that you are all alone and do not know any of these people you have started working for. This aspect of your new job has been stirring up an unsavory disquiet that has consumed your rational thinking down to the dregs.

Logically, you know that nobody is out to get you, but you also can't trust that these people are going to be kind to you either which is setting you on edge.

After you step away to wash your hands for the umpteenth time, you use this minute to take some deep breaths while you prepare yourself to wheel this large cart of steaming hot food out to a room full of very important people. It is time again to put your mask back on and conceal how you truly feel. Once this is over, you can rip your disguise back off for a much-needed break from all of the pressure... that is until lunchtime rolls around.

"Where do I go?" You question aloud, only to yourself, but thankfully Friday picked up on your uncertainty as if you were originally requesting its assistance. "Would you like directions to the dining room?" The automated voice startled you for a second before you recalled what Tony had briefly told you about the helpful AI. "Uhm- Yes, please?" Your quiet voice eventually responds to the AI after apprehensively grabbing a hold of the cart handle with a firm grip.

As the robotic voice navigates you through a few unexplored corridors, you can feel the pulsing of your timid heart drumming erratically in your chest, and the beginning of sweat generously coating the palms of your tense hands. It wasn't until you reached your destination that you were able to numb yourself down to a professional level now that there is no going back. This job needs to be completed so that you can move on. The heavy door, programmed to allow your food deliveries, automatically unlocked as you pulled the handle, and as you pushed it open you could hear chatter and tittering emanating from one of the rooms loud and clear.