The world of my inner | journal

February 20 - 2024

So, a four days absence. I'll break it down to you why. My brain is a very interesting thing, not even myself knows how it works sometimes. But I've been in this state of brain fog. My brain has been going 5000 miles a minute and there has been no way of stopping it. And at first I didn't think much of it. I have a lot on my plate right now with working 70-80% at the cafe, doing the agency on the side, monk mode plus having a life, it's just a lot to navigate. And two days ago I woke up feeling very tired and I didn't think much of it. Sometimes you just are tired and I'm mentally drained as well. And then yesterday I felt absolutely exhausted even before my shift, and I had slept well. But I was unable to focus on anything. Everything was just a blur and as the day went on I felt myself becoming more and more confused. I could look at a clean plate and not remembering where to put it. Simple tasks felt very exhausting and demanding. And then I started more and more going into this zombie state. I was very low in energy, I could only look straight ahead, could barely get a word out and I felt myself feel the need to just cry. And this is all signs of me having anxiety and becoming very very stressed. I knew I had anxiety and I knew I was very stressed because I could barely take a deep breath and my stomach was bloating like crazy. I couldn't even drink water. So everything was just becoming very uncomfortable and difficult. And then when my shift ended I just started crying as soon as I sat down in my car. I am going to touch on the subject more in depth later on. Not today because I still feel that is too close to home right now. I have to calm my stress a little bit first m. But now you know. And I just want to really point out how important it is to know and understand the signs to slow down.

Anyways, that is not what I wanted to talk about or discuss or whatever it is I'm doing. Voicing my opinion. And this, this is gonna be a fun one because it's a little controversial. Okay, are y'all sitting down? Seatbelts strapped? Hold your hat because it's sure gonna be blown off. I see so much of this on social media and in real life as well. And I can kind of get it in one way but in another way I think it's sad that the society has gone this far. Women fashion. Everybody has their own style and it's amazing that it is that way for many. But what is shown especially on social media is the provocative fashion styles and trends. Girls and women basically wear nothing or they all wear the same. And today's society is so different from when I grew up, I mean of course it is. The world is evolving and in many ways extraordinary but also, in many ways, it's going somewhere beyond concerning.

When I grew up, we didn't have social media. I didn't have my first phone until I was 12. That's ten years ago. Instagram was barely a thing for kids in my age. Trends were made by the kids who were labelled popular. And that was usually like a knitted sweater or a bag or a jacket or something. And everybody wore it for a like two three months and then it was "sooo out of style". But now it's totally different. It's clean girl aesthetic, mob wife aesthetic, tops so short that the boobs are basically showing and dresses so sexy and tiny a baby would barely fit in them. And I honestly don't get it. Why women want to show that much skin? Who are they dressing for? Because there is no fucking way they are dressing like that for themselves. No. That is a load of horse shit. It's not comfortable to wear a dress that barely covers your ass. It's not comfortable needing to pull it down every second. It's not comfortable having to worry about your boobs popping out. And I'm telling you, they don't dress like that for themselves because they are so confident and free. No, they are seeking approval. "Omg you look so good." "Goddess!" "Slay!". I'm not saying they are seeking approval from a guy, but they are seeking approval and validation from the society. They want to know that people are looking at them, that they find them sexy or pretty. They might show confidence wearing a short, tight dress. Like they own the world. Like nothing bothers them. But trust me, they are so unbelievably insecure in themselves. They don't know how to get pure and genuine validation and attention so they go for the quickest way possible. Wearing something that shows skin or something that shows off their body because they know people will look and they know people will say that they look amazing and they look gorgeous and are a total boss ass bitch. And they feel great in the moment because they feel like they are on the top of the world. But as soon as they get home, as soon as that outfit is off, they are still insecure and they still feel lost. And how can I make an assumption like this? Well, I've been there. Feeling the need to show off my body. Because I needed the validation. I was so insecure. I still hated my body but I knew if I wore something that showed skin, people would look and it would give me that quick validation. And it's sad, it really is. I feel sorry for myself for thinking I needed other people to tell me I looked good when in matter fact it needed to come within myself. I needed to feel like I liked amazing. I needed to teach myself that when I looked in the mirror I looked fucking stunning. That I liked what I saw. Not just appearance wise. I needed to see myself for who I was and accept that. I needed to learn how to like the whole package.

Now, if I would go out to a club which I by the way rarely do because it's not an environment I particularly enjoy, every once in a while it's a great time and I have a lot of fun but I would much rather sit down with my best friends and have a glass of wine. Anyways, if I would go to a club today, I wouldn't wear that short dress. I would much rather wear a pair of slacks, a t shirt or a long sleeve or a long black dress. I find myself dress more classy, elegant, old money. I don't show off too much skin or cleavage. I don't need to. The only person's attention I want, is my boyfriend's. He is the only person I want to look at me with dreamy eyes and like he won the lottery. He is the only guy I feel the need to look good for every once in a while. Most of the time I walk around in a pair of black sweatpants and a t shirt. But my point is, I would much rather look classy, put together, elegant and give of the impression of pure confidence, positivity, respect and power. Because at the end of the day, people you want to have in your life won't remember you because you looked sexy, they will remember you because of who you were. And if that is not a version you like, then you shouldn't put in that short dress, you need to take a step back and work on yourself, sweetie.

I'm not saying you need to dress like an old woman. All I'm saying is, ask yourself, truly and honestly, who am I dressing for? Who is it I want to impress so much? Who do I want to be? How do I want my friends and family to remember me? And I kid you not, 9/10 times they want to remember you as a confident, passionate, loving, respectful and caring person. Not a sexy, gorgeous, slaying queen. Sorry if I'm harsh, no actually, I'm not sorry, the world needs to understand this. We can't fuck around anymore. We have to get a grip. Girls and women dress like sluts and expect boys and men not to look. It's ridiculous, honestly. Yeah, sure, you should dress however you want and I'm DEFINITELY NOT SAYING THAT IT IS A VALID REASON FOR GIRLS AND WOMEN TO GET RAPED! No. I'm saying that, you can't dress like a pornstar and think "oh no one is gonna look because that is disgusting." Uh, girl, then don't dress like that. Easy. You dress like that to get attention and when you do, you yell and get angry because it's disgusting and you can do whatever the fuck you want. World doesn't work like that.

And everybody is saying that every guy is disgusting and perverted, but for fuck sake you are challenging your own faith, honestly. Why aren't women disgusting and perverted when we look at guys? Please tell me. Guys are out there with no shirts on but no, we women aren't perverts for looking. But men are if they look at a woman. And I know the statistics and that women get raped every single fucking day. And that is absolutely horrifying. I'm not saying boys and men shouldn't keep their hands to themselves. But I'm just looking at this topic from a distance. And reversing it. Because that is how you can gain some perspective. How does it look the other way around?

Now, again, I'm not saying you should dress like me who are going for a more elegant and old money look. I'm saying, work on yourself. Find your inner confidence. Get to know yourself. Find out what your values are. Who you want to become. What you look for in a partner. Find out who you are. I know that process takes time and you have to go through different phases and all. But I can't stress this enough, actually putting in the work and actually working on yourself in your twenties will for you such an advantage and you will feel like life is so much easier. It's one of the biggest mission in life. And honestly, I don't think many accomplish it. I see so many people every day who look and sound so miserable with their life. And they don't do anything about it anymore. They haven't laid their foundation. They haven't done the dirty work.

And the best advice I have for you who are ready to put in the work, to find who you are, is to first off, sit down, by yourself, and ask yourself valuable questions. You can Google to get some inspiration, there are so many great websites and then you can write more questions as you go. But it's a such a great way to find out who you are and what you value. Second thing I would advise you to do, start working out in any form, gym, running, walking, tennis, golf, football, whatever it can be. Get your heart rate up. Get your body moving. Drink more water. Eat more. I will guarantee you that you will have more clarity and it will clear your brain fog. I'm not even joking, I felt myself slacking a little with the gym and my mind went instantly into a brain fog. I'm not saying you have to lift 150kg, just move your body. In any form you like. Go buy a coffee with a friend and then go for a long walk together.

To summon it all up, don't hide anymore. If you feel the need to get validation and approval from people you don't even know, take a step back, take a deep breath and take a second to think. Who am I doing this for? And get to work, work on yourself. Become the person you want to be, the person you've dreamed of. Become that person. Work on yourself and you will see that life will get easier, still can be a pain in the ass but, hey, that won't matter because you know who you are and you know your worth and your values. Everything will make more sense when you've done that deep ground work. I'll tell yah, it will feel pretty great❤️