What If #justwriteit #fanfic

Chapter Six: Jesse

I must've fallen asleep snuggling my phone because it was under my cheek when I woke up. I quickly checked to see if I received any new messages but, miraculously, there were none. I was feeling anxious and weak and it sickened me that I knew why. Alcohol. I hadn't had a drink since I was at the bar and even then, it hadn't been in my usual amount and I was feeling the ramifications of it now.

I despised addiction. I was the first one to say that only the weak became addicted to any kind of substance, yet here I was, downing a tiny bottle of scotch from the mini-bar in my room. I always made empty promises to myself, the kind that I never kept. Way too many tomorrows came and went and I still was a goddamn addict. My mum would be devastated if she knew and it was something I could only hope she'd never find out.

We were meeting on the bus to head to the venue for a quick soundcheck, even though we performed the night before. All of us were perfectionists and wanted to be sure tonight would rock as hard as last. We'd probably spend a couple hours there before coming back to the hotel to get our pre-show party on. Living the typical lifestyle, we were the rocker cliche. Models, movie stars, glamorous parties, it never ended. Keeping up was exhausting.

There was one highlight, a gleaming star, to my day. I was going to meet Brooke for drinks. I was surprised at how my heart skipped when I thought about it, I was nervous! She seemed so sweet, so someone my mum would approve of. Normal.

As I downed another mini bottle, not caring what sort of liquid was inside. As I tipped my head back and drank it in one gulp, I couldn't help but go there. What if. What if she didn't like me? I mean, realistically, why would she? I'm a drunk. Sure, on paper, I was pretty decent. Wealthy. Philanthropist. Fine family, even though my dad was a drunk, too. I suppose I would be looked upon as someone who 'had it all'. Except for that confounded self-confidence and trust when it came to women.

I hopped onto the bus and Stephen greeted me with a friendly slap across the back, "Didn't see much of you last night. What did you busy yourself with? Or, should I say whom?" He gave me a slightly mischievous grin as I grabbed a seat.

"I saw you and that little blonde hottie. You all were way busier than I was. I laid low last night, wasn't feelin' it." I really hadn't been, not with Brooke occupying my thoughts, despite the fact we had barely even gotten to know each other.

"She was alright. I told her to bugger off after an hour. There wasn't much going on in her brain other than my wanker." They all laughed with Stephen, his arrogance was actually quite hysterical.

I considered my bandmates, Stephen, Jarrod, Ryan and Nathan. We'd taken this eight year journey together and were impossibly close, like brothers. Often even fighting like brothers, as well. All four of them spoke to me, on quite a few separate occasions, regarding my drinking. Rightfully, they were concerned and thought I should check myself into rehab. It was something I was considering doing after the tour, I was just scared. But, the addiction scared me even more, to lose control wasn't something I'd ever thought I'd see happen to me.

It had been weighing on my mind quite heavily, especially lately. Because, with last night being an exception, I'd been drinking more. And, they knew it as well as I did. I couldn't hide anything from them. I didn't want to, either. They were family and we took care of each other.

"For life, my brothers." I roared, fist pumping the air.

In unison, they responded, "For life!"

I was back in Down Rulers mode, ready to entertain and be worshipped. Maybe that sounded cheap, pathetic. It shouldn't though, it was a fact of our life. It's what got me into my stage persona. Even during soundcheck, I needed my facade, the one that didn't have any problems. The facade that rocked the bass and caused the fans to scream my name.