The thoughts of a chronically ill teen

Hidden Fear

Chronic illness comes with a huge amount of fear. There is so many things that start to make you fearful. One of them is talking about your fear. It is the fear of being vulnerable. The fear of not being understood. The fear of realizing that there is so much more fear you had in you that you had thought. so you hide it. You keep it all inside because letting it out is scarier than locking it inside you where it sits on your lungs and clenches your heart. You fear leaving your house. The aspect of inaccessibility. Your health making things impossible to do. Knowing that it means others can see you struggle. The ableism of those not believing you and their assumptions. The fear of wanting to leave your house and being unable to. Scared to cancel plans or reschedule because you fear being bad burden. You fear that they are upset with you for it and refusing to show it. The fear of war it means when your health hits a point of struggling to leave your home. The days where all you can do is rest. Your body forces you to listen. You end but focusing on the fear of how bad your health is. If you don't have answers, the fear of what it could be. The fear of never getting answers. Even the fear of getting answers. You know that you'd not having answers are scarier than finding something bad and knowing that is scary. We fear not being able to do what we love and figuring out what we can still do to bring joy. Fearing that it could be a small list.

We live with so much fear surrounding our health that our brain never shuts off. We are our own doctor 24/7 and we never get a break. We wake up and immediately are reminded about our health. We take medications, use mobility aids, have dressing changes for surgeries and more, doctors appointments, insurance calls, testing, procedures, and so much more. You get fearful when you first get sick but you never know how much fear is coming and how much will stay hidden.