through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

s e v e n

Conrad's point of view:
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

      I fucked up this time. I'm absolutely terrified this one is beyond repair. Never, not once in the entire time I've known Claire has she never looked at me like that. I've always known she's had a crush on me, it was obvious growing up. She was already around me somehow, even if she was with Belly she always was there. She always looked at me like I was the most important person in the room, and when I was in her line of sight I felt that I was.

Today was the complete opposite. The disappointment, sadness, and even fear in her expression won't stop flashing through my head. I can't even appreciate the fact that I'm surrounded by everything Mom right now because I don't know where she went and if she'll be back.

       I don't know what to do, I'm in way in over my head here. Leaving school to save the house, now adding in trying to save my relationship? I can't do this all. I can't pass college when I'm not there, I can't save the house if I'm not here, and I can't save my relationship if Claire isn't here.

Fuck fucking fuck. I lost her. I lost her. I know I lost her. I can't breathe. I can't —

*   *   *

      It's midnight and she still isn't back. I checked her location and it said it was unavailable so either she stopped sharing her location with me, or her phone is dead. Both of those options leave me feeling uneasy, hence why I'm pacing the length of my living room waiting for any sign that she's okay.

It takes everything in me to not call and report a missing person, because I know she isn't missing — she's just avoiding me.

         I haven't been a good boyfriend. I know that. She tried. So tried so hard to give me everything I wanted and I wasn't ever satisfied. I was so caught up in my grief I forgot she was going through her own. My mother took her in, welcomed her with open arms, treated her as if she was a daughter for months even while she was dying. Claire has never felt love like the kind my mother has given her and I forgot she is fucking grieving.

        I'm horrible. I'm so horrible. I hate myself. God I really fucking hated myself. I stop pacing, when I finally put two and two together, I'm hurting Claire more by being with her. It causes my stomach to churn and I instantly feel nauseous. I feel bile rising to the back of my throat when the realization dawns on me, I need to let her go.