through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

f o u r

      I leave my driveway and pull into the Fishers as soon as the lady who put the sign up left. Just like I thought, it was a for sale sign. I press my lips into a tight line, pacing the length of their driveway.

       Does Conrad know? Is that why he's avoiding me because he knew I was coming down here today and would see the for sale sign? No. No, there is absolutely no way in hell Conrad would have been okay with this. This is something his Mom loved. He wouldn't have wanted to give that away. He never will want too.

I feel panicked at I grab my phone, once again dialing Conrad's number, again. And again, and again and he still won't pick up.

        "What the fuck is he doing?!" I shout, tossing my phone back into my empty car. He doesn't even have classes at this time so there is no reason he isn't answering me.

This feels like losing her all over again. I so badly want to go inside and just smell her. It sounds so weird but I physically feel like my heart is breaking over all over again. I knew coming back here I'd be close to her because that house is an untouched version of her. She could still be alive here, her spirit is here.

I can't breathe as I climb into my drivers seat. I shut myself in the car and the sound around me goes muffled. I'm not sure if it's from being in the car or because I'm about to have a literal panic attack. My moneys on the panic attack because I feel my hands begin to tremble. "Not here. Not now. Now now," I whisper, but it comes out in a choked sob. I can't be here right now, I don't want to be here now, especially not alone.

        I tap around until I find my phone again, praying to God that Conrad will pick up. I can't see my screen through the tears and the shaky hands, letting out a groan of frustration I throw my phone back down on my seat — it isn't like Conrad would answer anyways.

        I start looking around to spot three objects around me. I force my eyes to look around the car; my phone, my bag, and my water bottle. I take a deep breathe in, count to three and out. Three sounds. I focus hard, trying to hear outside. I hear the sound of a car driving by. I hear the sound of a lawn mower in the distance. I hear the sound of a bird chirping. I take a deep breathe in, and count out to three. Three body parts; my arm, my leg, my nose.

        I take a deep breathe in and count out to three. I wiggle my nose, focusing on the feeling of it as I attempt to breathe in and out but I keep sniffling. After a few moments I calm myself down, I grab my phone and text Conrad our code word for when I need him but can't out right say it.